The Power of Memories

There are a few ideas that have been milling around my head lately and it has been hard to channel some of them under a neat heading. I wanted to talk about happiness, regret, meaning, identity and other very interesting and relevant topics. It dawned on me how memories embrace all those topics and many more. Instead of spending time talking about why and how we create memories, I thought I would talk about the impact and influence they have in all of our lives in different ways.

When I say the word 'memory', what comes to mind? Do you think of some memories that you have? Have you recalled positive or negative memories? Does thinking about memories make you feel a certain way like happy or sad or nostalgic? Are the memories happy but the feeling you have looking back at them leave you with a sense of loss or longing?

I would make an educated guess that this will depend on the mood you are in when reading this as well as what you are needing or going through in the present. The reason I infer this is because memories are a tool we unconsciously use to inform us and help us find and create meaning in our lives. At times we use our memories consciously, esp when making decisions or working out whether to trust someone or something. If you are like me, you might store a few things in the memory bank to bring up later (this is an important aspect of counselling too). Unfortunately, however, we often tend to remember things in a limited way, mainly based on our feelings at the time of the memory. For instance you could be on the most amazing holiday with all the trimmings but look back on the whole experience negatively because of a single fight you had with your travelling partner. This, to me, is what makes this topic one of great curiosity and interest.

So many of us are trying to put things behind us. How many times have we heard the phrases 'what's done is done' or 'better left in the past' etc. In the Western way of being, we have a nasty habit of sweeping so much under the rug, refusing to sit with uncomfortable feelings and pushing one another to move on and move up so to speak. The problem with this is that the memory may have been stored away, conversations surrounding it may now be limited if not non-existent and there may seem to be a belief of 'out of sight, out of mind'; but lets face it, if it were that simple we would all be very well-adjusted, fearless and perhaps even reckless. We may even learn how to forgive ourselves a bit more readily.

I have never, in all my days, met a problem that someone is very emotionally connected to, that is easy to forget and move on from. You may be thinking that I am crazy to say this so absolutely, that there are people who don't let things get to them and of whom don't seem to dwell on their issues much at all. This is something that is very misleading I believe and it tends to create unrealistic expectations of ourselves and of others. If there is one thing I have learnt it's that people are complex and unpredictable. Try as you may, block a memory from your life that has been extremely influential and powerful in defining who you are, you will start to find it creeping in to other areas of your life. Perhaps some people have heard of a term 'dissociation'? Loosely, this is when we mentally distance ourselves from a problem. We all do it to some degree, daydreaming is a common example, where you get lost in thought and are not in touch with your surroundings for a brief time. Dissociation can be a defence mechanism, particularly in situations of abuse or extreme distress. Often our minds work out a way to compartmentalise information in order for us to protect ourselves. Something like recalling abuse is something that can be intensely overwhelming for people and if safety is not created in some way - even in our minds - there is the potential to become re-traumatised. Many adults have no memories at all about their abuse as children, particularly sexual abuse. When small memories start to emerge, often in the form of nightmares and flashbacks, it can be incredibly distressing and confusing.
It also begs the question, how much information has been stored out of our awareness as we have journey'd through life's challenges? I also start to think of transference and how certain things can get triggered off in our lives without us even realising it (due to associations we are continuously making - linking the past to the present). How many of our stored memories are important and still need to be processed in some way? I am sure there are many, big and small. This is what makes us complex and unpredictable, this is one of the elements that make us human.

But memories are not all negative. The problem is though that we seem to remember the negative ones with a lot more clarity and willingness to understand. My best guess: Regret. I will admit, I put regret up there with guilt and remorse and spend a lot of time trying to avoid these emotions. Unfortunately, just the conscious avoidance of them gives them power over my life. Regret is a tricky one because no matter how hard we try, we cannot have the gift of hindsight until, well, in hindsight. All we have power over is our reactions but even then, if we are not in sync with our experiences and not accepting of ourselves, controlling our reactions may feel like a pipe dream.

Understanding yourself better really is the key here. Not in a 'magic formula' kind of way but rather as a realistic tool to find acceptance and compassion for all things 'you'. Memories shape and define us. We learn from mistakes, whether we repeat the mistakes or not. At times, we pick and choose elements from our past experiences to ground us, to remind us that we belong, to validate us as members of something greater than ourselves. Even immediate memories such as calling a friend in a time of need can help you to remember that you are not alone. Alternatively the memory of trying to get help and not receiving it can make you feel even more alone. Scientists are probably more comfortable with the terms 'cause and effect'. As we navigate through our lives and accumulate experiences, we have the choice to learn and grow. The first step is to look at yourself, with all your flaws, weaknesses and mistakes, and see someone who is not so unlike everyone else. Even if you were to be perfect, perfect means different things to different people.

You cannot change the past. I often say to people who are caught in a spiral of regret: Look back at this time, what you knew, how old you were, what you were feeling, faced with and the time in your life when the experience occurred...Given the place you were in and the ability you had at the time, would you have been able to do things much differently? Sure, you would most likely react better if given this problem now, esp after time and hindsight to think about it, but it is important to remember that we do the best we can given the circumstances. Beating yourself up is a punishment not fitting of the crime. Emotions such as regret, guilt and remorse are guides to us, helping us to be conscientious and loving towards others. Fixating on negative emotions prevents us from learning and maturing.

Remember this: there are just as many good memories as there are bad, we just need to open ourselves up to embracing them.

XXX
Paula