How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

Unfortunately you don't.

One of the hardest challenges I face as a counsellor is to learn how to respect client readiness. It is so easy to see patterns and problems when you are looking at someone else. It is so easy to think of the solutions for other people, isn't it. The simplicity ends when the solutions are our own and the problems are ours.

The best way to help someone is to try to understand them. When I say understand them, I do not mean through your own eyes. You need to find empathy for that person and try and imagine yourself in their shoes. We are all guilty of being quick to blame to some extent. We want to find something other than ourselves to take the heat, or even more powerful, something other than our loved ones. Having a loved one who is struggling in some way can be torturous for some people, particularly if the behaviour of the loved one is self destructive.

When I think of readiness and admitting to problems, I often think of training I did at Lifeline in regards to addictions. How many families have been effected by alcoholism or drug addiction. I say families because it is often very much a shared demon - addiction. Often family members are at a loss as to how to help and what to do, living in fear that their loved one is in danger and at risk on a daily basis. One thing I learned in the training was that the person/addict has to reach rock bottom. This can be anything from almost dying to losing a job or letting someone down. It is unique for each person as to what constitutes 'rock bottom' but the underlying principle is that the person feels like they have reached their lowest point and decide to make a change.

I wanted to bring that notion of rock bottom up because I think it has merit in all problems and issues in our personal lives. I do not feel that you have to reach rock bottom per se'. I do, however, feel that you have to reach a point where you are tired of living a certain way and you must decide to make the change. That is when readiness for help has been reached. In saying that, it leads back to the issue of trying to help someone who has not reached a point of readiness to accept help. This is a tough one because I do not feel a passive approach of saying and doing nothing is the answer when someone you know is at risk.

The thing to focus on is what YOU feel is ok and what you feel is not. All you are able to control is your own actions and your own boundaries. It is important that you maintain these boundaries so as not to become fixated on things that you cannot change. Many people give so much more of themselves, when helping a loved one, then the loved one is prepared to give themselves. If this is happening, if you are working harder than the person you are trying to help, lasting change and growth is not occurring for the other person. In fact, you are creating dependency and enabling maladaptive behaviour (lack of responsibility), probably without ever intending to. It is NOT your responsibility to save your loved one - hard lesson - but you do have responsibilities to them. One of them is to alert the person to your concern and investigate options available to them for help and resources. Give your loved one tools to help themselves rather than you taking that responsibility on board yourself  - it's a lose lose if you try to be a carer and uphold your original relationship to the person.

If you or your loved one reach this point of readiness by yourself/themself, when the changes happen there will be a sense of empowerment. A sense of strength and independence and what is called 'autonomy'. This is where lasting lessons take place, that help a person learn skills so as to face problems more constructively in the future. There is nothing harder than watching someone go down a path of destruction and feeling powerless to stop it. Often we feel angry and hurt and frustrated etc too. All you can do is your best and encourage the person to seek help. Try to think of the person separately from the problem and remember, we all lose our way at times. Knowledge is power, seek to understand.

Big hug
XX
Paula