Somehow, with some time and care, you integrate this loss into your world view. You make peace with the pain and emptiness and almost get used to having this as a part of you. You develop rituals and strategies, you talk or you block it out, you form a new relationship with your lost loved one and start to anticipate the days that are going to be harder than others. I always say to people who have just experienced loss that the first year is the hardest. That is not to say it will be ok after a year, no, more like in that year you will experience all the 'firsts'. The first birthday, anniversary, milestone, breakdown without their support, happy occasions, longest time without speaking etc etc. You start to form coping skills and ways of dealing with this loss without losing control completely. There are times where the grief feels as fresh as it did that first day but you learn that these times are normal and a new part of your life that you adapt to.
As the years go by, things happen and 'firsts' continue. You wake up one day and struggle to fathom how you have made it through for this long. You may even feel guilty and panic because you can't remember their voice or need an answer for a question which only they can provide. The loss is relived again and again in big and small ways but you keep moving. You wonder how your life would have turned out if they were still here. You wonder what they would say about your current predicament and you listen when people tell you your loved one would be proud of you. In your heart you know they would because you have carried on despite times when you ached to join them and relieve the emptiness and pain, if only to see them one last time.
Today, for me, it has been 11 years. I know my grief well. Time has provided understanding and new grief. Loss has come in various forms and in some cases, completely unrelated to my biggest loss. I still feel stuck in a weird unknowing. I hold on to my memories as if they happened yesturday. Interestingly they are more centred around me than my mother. I reflect on this regularly and for me, I think it is because my loss has gone in two ways. I lost the person I loved most in the world, my primary attachment figure and the only person who has been there in almost every way from the beginning. But 11 years ago I lost something else, just as precious. I lost a part of myself. I lost my sense of identity in a way. I lost my safety net, my unconditional love and answers to questions I will forever need the answers to. I lost my faith and I lost a sense of belonging. People will tell you that you are loved, that you are not alone and that they will always be there for you. I personally don't know where I would be today without those people. The truth is though, those declarations can bring on an even greater sense of emptiness and loneliness because you still feel alone but people don't get it. They don't understand how you can feel alone when you are loved, how you can feel empty when you have people there to support you and believe in you.
At the end of the day, you can feel alone. It takes understanding that there are different types of being 'alone'. There is no filling this gap because the cause of the loneliness of grief is more like a severing of a part of yourself that you will never get back and will have to learn to accept and live with. We may never shake this. We may always feel like we are missing some big element of ourselves. We may try to fill this in destructive ways, we may project this onto other people in our lives and expect them to fill roles and gaps that they will never be able to fill. We may think we are ok with our loss and realise abruptly that we are not when we start blubbering like a baby when something triggers our grief (the movie 'Stepmom' is a good example for me). A dear friend said to me once, the pain doesn't lesson, is just becomes less frequent. I love that. It may not hold true for everyone but for me, it hit home.
Grief is a part of life and we will all experience this at some point. I don't want to give people the impression that there is a time limit and you will 'move on' and things will be better in time. The truth is though, in some ways you do move on and things are better but in other ways it can feel harder and more confronting. Grief works in phases like the tides. We all have different triggers, we all had different hopes and dreams and we all need things at different times and in different ways. One common thread I believe is that we learn how to make this a part of our new selves. We find ways to carry on, feel love, take risks and cherish memories. Perhaps the memories are of happier times without the loved one, that is ok too. The best thing to do however, is to find a way to keep your loved one in your life despite them not being in it. This is called a 'continuous bond' in grief theory. You will never replace them, thus they will need to be present in a different way. Whether you talk to them, talk about them, cry for them, laugh at them, learn from them or live in their honour, keeping them as a part of you will help the finality of the situation seem less daunting.
For all those people who have been dealing with loss, I am writing this with you in mind and heart. You are a survivor and it is no easy feat this carrying on business.
Be kind to yourself
XXX
Paula
