Grief: After the 10 year mark

When you experience deep loss, your world goes into a bubble where time stands still. You seem to lose future planning and the past is too unbearable to fully reflect on. People don't always realise this but it is often after time has lapsed and things resume into mundane rituals, where life goes on,

that a person in grief struggles the most. In my belief, this is because you start to realise that this is it, finality sinks in and there is a gap and emptiness which only others who have experienced loss may even begin to understand.

Somehow, with some time and care, you integrate this loss into your world view. You make peace with the pain and emptiness and almost get used to having this as a part of you. You develop rituals and strategies, you talk or you block it out, you form a new relationship with your lost loved one and start to anticipate the days that are going to be harder than others. I always say to people who have just experienced loss that the first year is the hardest. That is not to say it will be ok after a year, no, more like in that year you will experience all the 'firsts'. The first birthday, anniversary, milestone, breakdown without their support, happy occasions, longest time without speaking etc etc. You start to form coping skills and ways of dealing with this loss without losing control completely. There are times where the grief feels as fresh as it did that first day but you learn that these times are normal and a new part of your life that you adapt to.

As the years go by, things happen and 'firsts' continue. You wake up one day and struggle to fathom how you have made it through for this long. You may even feel guilty and panic because you can't remember their voice or need an answer for a question which only they can provide. The loss is relived again and again in big and small ways but you keep moving. You wonder how your life would have turned out if they were still here. You wonder what they would say about your current predicament and you listen when people tell you your loved one would be proud of you. In your heart you know they would because you have carried on despite times when you ached to join them and relieve the emptiness and pain, if only to see them one last time.

Today, for me, it has been 11 years. I know my grief well. Time has provided understanding and new grief. Loss has come in various forms and in some cases, completely unrelated to my biggest loss. I still feel stuck in a weird unknowing. I hold on to my memories as if they happened yesturday. Interestingly they are more centred around me than my mother. I reflect on this regularly and for me, I think it is because my loss has gone in two ways. I lost the person I loved most in the world, my primary attachment figure and the only person who has been there in almost every way from the beginning. But 11 years ago I lost something else, just as precious. I lost a part of myself. I lost my sense of identity in a way. I lost my safety net, my unconditional love and answers to questions I will forever need the answers to. I lost my faith and I lost a sense of belonging. People will tell you that you are loved, that you are not alone and that they will always be there for you. I personally don't know where I would be today without those people. The truth is though, those declarations can bring on an even greater sense of emptiness and loneliness because you still feel alone but people don't get it. They don't understand how you can feel alone when you are loved, how you can feel empty when you have people there to support you and believe in you.

At the end of the day, you can feel alone. It takes understanding that there are different types of being 'alone'. There is no filling this gap because the cause of the loneliness of grief is more like a severing of a part of yourself that you will never get back and will have to learn to accept and live with. We may never shake this. We may always feel like we are missing some big element of ourselves. We may try to fill this in destructive ways, we may project this onto other people in our lives and expect them to fill roles and gaps that they will never be able to fill. We may think we are ok with our loss and realise abruptly that we are not when we start blubbering like a baby when something triggers our grief (the movie 'Stepmom' is a good example for me). A dear friend said to me once, the pain doesn't lesson, is just becomes less frequent. I love that. It may not hold true for everyone but for me, it hit home.

Grief is a part of life and we will all experience this at some point. I don't want to give people the impression that there is a time limit and you will 'move on' and things will be better in time. The truth is though, in some ways you do move on and things are better but in other ways it can feel harder and more confronting. Grief works in phases like the tides. We all have different triggers, we all had different hopes and dreams and we all need things at different times and in different ways. One common thread I believe is that we learn how to make this a part of our new selves. We find ways to carry on, feel love, take risks and cherish memories. Perhaps the memories are of happier times without the loved one, that is ok too. The best thing to do however, is to find a way to keep your loved one in your life despite them not being in it. This is called a 'continuous bond' in grief theory. You will never replace them, thus they will need to be present in a different way. Whether you talk to them, talk about them, cry for them, laugh at them, learn from them or live in their honour, keeping them as a part of you will help the finality of the situation seem less daunting.

For all those people who have been dealing with loss, I am writing this with you in mind and heart. You are a survivor and it is no easy feat this carrying on business.
Be kind to yourself
XXX
Paula          

Is my Grief 'Normal'?

YES!

There is NO strict set of rules, set time frame or particularly approved way of being when it comes to grief. In other words, there is no 'normal' way to grieve in my opinion. It is important to be mindful of your own process. If you have been battling to function for an extended period of time, it may be useful to see a counsellor or join a group to help you learn how to cope with your grief and regain some control over your functioning. I always recommend seeing your GP if you are not sure what to do or how to get some help.

Every person will deal with loss in their own unique way. The person, pet or even non-living thing or aspect of self that has been lost will be significant to the bereaved in different and personal ways. Our relationships are complex and cannot be given a formula or a one-size fits all mentality, so too is our grief. Think of the last movie you saw. Many other people will have seen the same movie too. Some people will enjoy it and others won't. Most people will have a view of the movie based on their unique outlook coupled with past experience, how they relate to characters, what effects moved them etc. You get my point. Grief is the same. There will always be commonalities between people who are grieving and theories are formulated based on these commonalities. We can establish that there are similarities in how people of different age groups grieve, of how men and women grieve and in how various cultures grieve. The circumstances of the loss will also affect the way people grieve. These similarities are important because they can make us feel less alone, less afraid and perhaps less judgemental of ourselves.

Comparing our grief to others can also be harmful. Many people have a stereotypical view of grief and loss. Some examples I have come across are that people are tearful and cry all the time; people are unable to enjoy themselves and mope around wearing black; that people do not want to talk about the deceased or that people are 'strong' because they are not crying. There are many more and I am sure each culture, family or social group will hold varying stereotypes. The reason I call this harmful is because people have very little control over how they react to loss. Literature shows that grief is all encompassing and can effect us on almost every level (physical, emotional, spiritual, social etc). Many people find they feel a lot of guilt and/or regret whilst grieving. By setting these stereotypes of grief, society has found a way to add to this guilt by creating judgement towards people who are not grieving in a way that is deemed 'appropriate'.

My message today is to attempt to move away from these stereotypes and to share what I feel is the most important lesson I have learn't in regards to grief: There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no clear definition of 'normal'. If you are unable to cry, that's alright. If you cry all the time, that's alright. If you need to be around things that remind you of your loved one, that's alright. If you need a complete change and to create distance from your memories, that's alright. If you want to talk, that's alright. If you can't talk, or don't want to, that's alright. If you feel angry, that's alright. If you feel happy despite your loss, that's alright. Whatever and however you are reacting is how you as an individual are coping. You are doing what you need to do to get through this loss.

As I said above, grief can effect us on all levels and some people will have more trouble than others in certain areas. Some common features of grief are loss of appetite and inability to sleep or stay asleep. Many people become very run down and pick up illnesses at this time due to a reduced immune system.There are biological reasons for this, I won't get into this here but I urge people to read further on this topic if there is an interest. Taking care of yourself may not seem important when you are bereaved but if these symptoms persist perhaps it would be helpful to see your GP and talk about options to help you, particularly with the physical symptoms. Lack of food and sleep can impair our reasoning and can make things feel a lot worse.

If you have any thoughts of suicide or self harm please know that there are people there to help and numbers you can call. Don't suffer in silence. Listen to your body and be kind to yourself. Things will never be the same but you CAN learn to find ways of living with your loss. Time will give you perspective and there is support out there. Try to find someone in your life who can listen to you and allow you to work through your pain in your own unique way. Remember too that some people in your life may not be able to help you and that does not mean that you are doing anything wrong or that you do not deserve help; it means that some people are unable to help you due to their own unique circumstances or abilities.

Hang in there!
Paula