YES!
There is NO strict set of rules, set time frame or particularly approved way of being when it comes to grief. In other words, there is no 'normal' way to grieve in my opinion. It is important to be mindful of your own process. If you have been battling to function for an extended period of time, it may be useful to see a counsellor or join a group to help you learn how to cope with your grief and regain some control over your functioning. I always recommend seeing your GP if you are not sure what to do or how to get some help.
Every person will deal with loss in their own unique way. The person, pet or even non-living thing or aspect of self that has been lost will be significant to the bereaved in different and personal ways. Our relationships are complex and cannot be given a formula or a one-size fits all mentality, so too is our grief. Think of the last movie you saw. Many other people will have seen the same movie too. Some people will enjoy it and others won't. Most people will have a view of the movie based on their unique outlook coupled with past experience, how they relate to characters, what effects moved them etc. You get my point. Grief is the same. There will always be commonalities between people who are grieving and theories are formulated based on these commonalities. We can establish that there are similarities in how people of different age groups grieve, of how men and women grieve and in how various cultures grieve. The circumstances of the loss will also affect the way people grieve. These similarities are important because they can make us feel less alone, less afraid and perhaps less judgemental of ourselves.
Comparing our grief to others can also be harmful. Many people have a stereotypical view of grief and loss. Some examples I have come across are that people are tearful and cry all the time; people are unable to enjoy themselves and mope around wearing black; that people do not want to talk about the deceased or that people are 'strong' because they are not crying. There are many more and I am sure each culture, family or social group will hold varying stereotypes. The reason I call this harmful is because people have very little control over how they react to loss. Literature shows that grief is all encompassing and can effect us on almost every level (physical, emotional, spiritual, social etc). Many people find they feel a lot of guilt and/or regret whilst grieving. By setting these stereotypes of grief, society has found a way to add to this guilt by creating judgement towards people who are not grieving in a way that is deemed 'appropriate'.
My message today is to attempt to move away from these stereotypes and to share what I feel is the most important lesson I have learn't in regards to grief: There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no clear definition of 'normal'. If you are unable to cry, that's alright. If you cry all the time, that's alright. If you need to be around things that remind you of your loved one, that's alright. If you need a complete change and to create distance from your memories, that's alright. If you want to talk, that's alright. If you can't talk, or don't want to, that's alright. If you feel angry, that's alright. If you feel happy despite your loss, that's alright. Whatever and however you are reacting is how you as an individual are coping. You are doing what you need to do to get through this loss.
As I said above, grief can effect us on all levels and some people will have more trouble than others in certain areas. Some common features of grief are loss of appetite and inability to sleep or stay asleep. Many people become very run down and pick up illnesses at this time due to a reduced immune system.There are biological reasons for this, I won't get into this here but I urge people to read further on this topic if there is an interest. Taking care of yourself may not seem important when you are bereaved but if these symptoms persist perhaps it would be helpful to see your GP and talk about options to help you, particularly with the physical symptoms. Lack of food and sleep can impair our reasoning and can make things feel a lot worse.
If you have any thoughts of suicide or self harm please know that there are people there to help and numbers you can call. Don't suffer in silence. Listen to your body and be kind to yourself. Things will never be the same but you CAN learn to find ways of living with your loss. Time will give you perspective and there is support out there. Try to find someone in your life who can listen to you and allow you to work through your pain in your own unique way. Remember too that some people in your life may not be able to help you and that does not mean that you are doing anything wrong or that you do not deserve help; it means that some people are unable to help you due to their own unique circumstances or abilities.
Hang in there!
Paula
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