My experiences of living with and working through Anxiety

Most people will experience a level of anxiety at some point. Most of us know this to be 'stress'. Whether you have an anxiety disorder or whether life has gotten the better of you and you are struggling with the feelings of stress and anxiety, it can be very hard to deal with.

I could come at this from a more clinical perspective and tell you that Anxiety is a fear based disorder classified as 'excessive worry' by the DSM-V (Diagnostic and statistical Manual used to categorize and label mental health illnesses). Instead I would like to talk about this in a more real, experiential way, sharing my experiences and how I have worked through and with my own anxiety. As with all illnesses, there are some common symptoms but every person is unique and will have their own experiences. I am no different. Hopefully this will help you to view anxiety a bit differently and approach your own stress in a slightly different frame of mind.

I have experienced 'stress' for as long as I can remember. I feel my anxiety in my body more than anything. Anxiety is a very physical disorder for many people due to the inability to relax and the high levels of worry that you may experience. Your body starts to react which I found increased my worry and made me feel trapped in this state of hypersensitivity. When I am anxious I tend to feel a great deal of pressure. The feelings of anxiety will latch on to relevant issues in my life that deserve a bit of stress but my reactions far outweigh the problem. Much of the time I manage this without people being aware. One of the worst mental pitfalls of anxiety that I experience is rumination. Thoughts that go round and round. Playing conversations in my head over and over. Having imaginary fights with people, even strangers, often based on me lashing out in defence to perceived threats or insults. None of this is warranted, none of it worthy of the amount of energy I expend. I end up mentally exhausted and angry. I become frustrated and angry with myself and often feel ashamed at my inability to control this. The negative, judgemental self talk starts. I feel defeated and want to escape, run away and start again. The light at the end of the anxiety attack seems very distant and at times I can't imagine it being there.

For me, mental exercises such as stopping thoughts and re-framing thoughts is difficult. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy works well for some people but for me, it added to my mental exhaustion and didn't fit. I never went to a CBT therapist, I did a group when in the UK and found the whole process to be a great learning opportunity (budding psychotherapist that I am) but in no way helpful or applicable. In fact one of the members was clearly grieving and had been lumped in this group without being fully assessed. The mental health system can be like this at times. We are so hell bent on finding a quick fix, evidence based solution that the government will fund that individual experiences and the acknowledgement of people having complex life experiences falls by the wayside.

Anxiety is often a product of emotional neglect in childhood. I have learnt a great deal in my own healing journey and would very much like to share this with you all. Emotional neglect is a bit different from emotional abuse, which we associate with emotionally manipulating people in order to control them or put them down. Childhood emotional neglect is a bit different and possibly one of the most damaging forms of abuse. It is often not deliberate at all and I hesitated calling it abuse. It occurs when parents or carers fail to effectively meet their child's emotional needs. Children are not attended to emotionally and they are not taught how to manage their emotions. Often this is because parents have not had their own emotional needs met. It is generational. Fear stems from instability and a lack of safety in the world. When needs are consistently not met in childhood this creates anxiety from an early age. Anxiety is a tough one to identify though as stress is such a common state. I remember being in a pharmacy looking for a vitamins and chose one that was good for stress. The pharmacist asked me if I was stressed and I replied 'Who isn't?' She said to me that she wasn't and looked taken aback by my response. I started to wonder if my stress was unusual.

I learn't in therapy and through my own personal growth and professional knowledge that instead of trying to change my thinking patterns, I needed to understand my emotions. I needed to understand what my child self went through on a feeling level. I had become so cut off from my felt sense, from how I experience things in my body. I was unable to connect to many of my feelings, I stayed in the realm of thinking and intellectualising. I inherently had to learn how to do this again. Meditation was key for me. I struggled a great deal at first. I find doing this whilst being open to exploring your true feelings and experiences in a safe and guided manner is the most helpful. I needed to work on some deep set beliefs I had been holding for most of my life. I have had a lot of shame and am still muddling through this aspect of myself.

The release for me has been confronting my anxiety and the reasons for it head on. I do not believe some people 'just develop it'. This is a myth and centred around our denial and resistance to looking at how we have been parented. This is not a criticism at all. I know first hand how guilty you can feel seeing the people who gave you so much as being the people who hurt you emotionally. Let me tell you though, once I worked through my attachment issues with my mother, I realised one day that my memories of her had changed for the better. The very memories that induced so much pain have been re-framed in my mind and I was seeing them more fondly. I understood her, I saw her for who she was and loved her more deeply than I was ever able to. In working on my childhood pain with a therapist that I trusted I was able to release the intense emotions attached to my trauma. I learnt how to be the parent to myself and identify my own needs and meet them for myself. This process is tough and so much comes to the surface before it can be released. This means the intensity heightens and you have to be aware of the process or you may just want to retreat back into your shell (believe me, that's normal). Should you persist, you WILL overcome it and come out so much stronger. Each challenge becomes that little bit easier. You find strength to work on yourself in ways which you never thought possible. You look at patterns in your life that no longer serve you. You start feeling a sense of self love you never thought was possible. This takes time but something I always felt was that although there is pain, it's NEW pain. It sure beats the same old ruminations and stress.

Not all therapist's believe in this. Working on your childhood attachment trauma when suffering from anxiety or any mental illness is the key. It allows you to release and purge this unwanted baggage and change in a way that you can't possibly go backwards from. You learn HOW to work on yourself and WHY you are feeling the way you do. You learn how to feel and trust your feelings. You learn about who you are. I no longer struggle in the same way. I get triggered at times but I allow those triggers to surface and I observe them, my behaviour and work through my emotions. Like I said, you learn how to work on yourself, on your shadow self.

Anxiety is not a life sentence and you don't need to stop your thoughts or change anything. On the contrary you need to observe them, accept them and reflect on them. Let them guide you. Focus on your feelings, really work hard at being in the present and with whatever you are experiencing. Be kind to yourself and hang in there!

Take care,
Paula X

Reflecting on Reflection

We all reflect. Whether consciously or unconsciously, it is a product of our human gift of higher level functioning. Reflection can come under many different terms and labels which is why we are not always aware of our own processes and abilities to reflect. You may call it 'analysing', 'musing' 'in hindsight', 'when I think about it', 'I realised' etc. Reflection happens when you think about something that has happened or is happening outside of the actual situation. Reflection can be deep and philosophical or it can be simple and seem like going over a memory. It can even be somewhere in between the deep and the simple. The questions I want to pose today are 'Why do we reflect?' and 'What are the benefits or downfalls of reflection?'

Reflection is a vital part of counselling and therapy, for both the client and the therapist. Without it the work that is being done is blind. One cannot recognize the changes made, patterns identified or how or what journey has been taken to end up where you are in the present without reflecting on it. This is important, not only in therapy, but in life. We all know the saying 'learning from your mistakes'. In order to learn we must understand and in order to understand we must reflect. It is not just true of mistakes. We also need to reflect and understand what we do well and on our strengths in order to continue achieving success and living in a way that satisfies us and keeps us safe. This begins to answer the question of 'why we reflect'.

The benefits of reflection can be vast. We all process information in different ways and in different speeds. Some people think on their feet, others need time to formulate their thoughts before sharing them. When we become emotional (positive or negative emotions), our thinking changes and we think and react differently. If we are angry we often say things and act impulsively. This can be true too when we are frightened, feeling stressed, panicked, excited or overjoyed etc. We also gain influence from others or from the values and culture instilled in us. We are a product of learning and much of our character and way of experiencing the world is due to what we have learnt and the environment we have been raised in. We are individuals living in a society with other individuals. We are not perfect, nor should we have that expectation of ourselves. We do, however, have values, morals, standards and beliefs that influence our thinking and behaviour as well as our reactions to experiences. Now add emotions. We can't nor shouldn't control the way we feel, nor should we be ashamed of how we feel. Feelings are natural and fundamentally serve to help us and alert us to how we 'feel' about something. Reflection, therefore, assists us in learning about ourselves and helps us to find 'meaning' in our lives. It also helps us to make sense of our reactions and helps us to find the words to explain our feelings, reactions and needs.

For example, you may have felt wronged by someone and feel angry with that person. You do not want to walk away from the situation but you do want the person to realise they have angered you and you want them to understand why. You may also want them to understand so that they do not wrong you again. Unfortunately, many people do not automatically see their role in the wrongdoing in the same way you do. You may not realise it but when you spend time thinking about the problem, formulating conversations and responses in your head and looking at why this happened in the first place, that is reflection. Looking at things in hindsight and upon reflection can give you the time and space you need to make sense of a situation without the emotional closeness that 'being in the moment' entails. It allows you to look at things with a fresh perspective, perhaps after talking to others or after a distraction from the problem due to other life demands. Sometimes 'sleeping on it' can clear things up for you as this gives your subconscious a chance to process events.

 To have healthy reflection and for the benefits to be the greatest the focus must be on YOU. It is easy to fall into the trap of blame and it is easy to look at the role others have in your life. It is less easy to look at your own contributions to a situation, positive and negative. This is one of the biggest downfalls of reflection in my opinion. We seem to struggle to acknowledge our strengths in a situation, particularly if the situation has not been easy or does not have the outcome we had hoped for. We also seem to struggle to see our contributions when the situation is relational and someone else has hurt or angered us. It is so easy to blame someone and picture them as a villain with bad intentions. Sometimes they are villains and sometimes they deserve blame. The catch is though, that assigning blame and holding onto anger without reflecting on your own processes, expectations, strengths or values can be poisonous.  It is important to learn from experiences that effect you so that you may grow and let go of the negative thinking and self doubt. Reflecting in a way that focusses on YOU enables you to find confidence in your life and in how you react. It gives you the clarity to ask for what you need and protect against things and people that cause you harm.

When you focus on others and external things you can easily fall into the trap of getting stuck in a thinking pattern that causes stress and anxiety. Other people and external things in your life are often uncontrollable. No matter how much you try, you cannot change someone that does not want to be changed. You cannot change your past (recent or historical). You can riddle yourself in guilt, anger or shame until you are crippled with it, it wont change what happened. Reflecting on what should have been is only beneficial if you look at the past in a way that encompasses questions and curiosity without blame. So you blew up at your friend for something small, it happened. Look at why it happened first. What was going on for you at the time, why did you feel so angry, was it about the friend or something else? Once you have established the 'why' look at the present. What can you do about it NOW. What do you feel would be the best outcome for YOU? What do you need? Perhaps that friend has let you down in a way that really hurt you. Do you want to save the friendship? If so, what needs to change so that you feel better about it? How could you handle things better in the past so that you have more control over your reactions? The answers are there and it takes courage and reflection to listen to yourself and listen to your needs. You have choices and in order to make them you need to understand the context of the situation and your role in it. Most importantly though, you need to understand yourself in the situation and this is never easy. The harder you are on yourself, the harder it will be to gain the truth and listen to your needs.

Being conscious of how you think,
react and behave is the best place to start. Give yourself time and space to do this and open yourself up to healthy reflection. You are worth the trouble!

Be kind to yourself
XXX
Paula

Grief: After the 10 year mark

When you experience deep loss, your world goes into a bubble where time stands still. You seem to lose future planning and the past is too unbearable to fully reflect on. People don't always realise this but it is often after time has lapsed and things resume into mundane rituals, where life goes on,

that a person in grief struggles the most. In my belief, this is because you start to realise that this is it, finality sinks in and there is a gap and emptiness which only others who have experienced loss may even begin to understand.

Somehow, with some time and care, you integrate this loss into your world view. You make peace with the pain and emptiness and almost get used to having this as a part of you. You develop rituals and strategies, you talk or you block it out, you form a new relationship with your lost loved one and start to anticipate the days that are going to be harder than others. I always say to people who have just experienced loss that the first year is the hardest. That is not to say it will be ok after a year, no, more like in that year you will experience all the 'firsts'. The first birthday, anniversary, milestone, breakdown without their support, happy occasions, longest time without speaking etc etc. You start to form coping skills and ways of dealing with this loss without losing control completely. There are times where the grief feels as fresh as it did that first day but you learn that these times are normal and a new part of your life that you adapt to.

As the years go by, things happen and 'firsts' continue. You wake up one day and struggle to fathom how you have made it through for this long. You may even feel guilty and panic because you can't remember their voice or need an answer for a question which only they can provide. The loss is relived again and again in big and small ways but you keep moving. You wonder how your life would have turned out if they were still here. You wonder what they would say about your current predicament and you listen when people tell you your loved one would be proud of you. In your heart you know they would because you have carried on despite times when you ached to join them and relieve the emptiness and pain, if only to see them one last time.

Today, for me, it has been 11 years. I know my grief well. Time has provided understanding and new grief. Loss has come in various forms and in some cases, completely unrelated to my biggest loss. I still feel stuck in a weird unknowing. I hold on to my memories as if they happened yesturday. Interestingly they are more centred around me than my mother. I reflect on this regularly and for me, I think it is because my loss has gone in two ways. I lost the person I loved most in the world, my primary attachment figure and the only person who has been there in almost every way from the beginning. But 11 years ago I lost something else, just as precious. I lost a part of myself. I lost my sense of identity in a way. I lost my safety net, my unconditional love and answers to questions I will forever need the answers to. I lost my faith and I lost a sense of belonging. People will tell you that you are loved, that you are not alone and that they will always be there for you. I personally don't know where I would be today without those people. The truth is though, those declarations can bring on an even greater sense of emptiness and loneliness because you still feel alone but people don't get it. They don't understand how you can feel alone when you are loved, how you can feel empty when you have people there to support you and believe in you.

At the end of the day, you can feel alone. It takes understanding that there are different types of being 'alone'. There is no filling this gap because the cause of the loneliness of grief is more like a severing of a part of yourself that you will never get back and will have to learn to accept and live with. We may never shake this. We may always feel like we are missing some big element of ourselves. We may try to fill this in destructive ways, we may project this onto other people in our lives and expect them to fill roles and gaps that they will never be able to fill. We may think we are ok with our loss and realise abruptly that we are not when we start blubbering like a baby when something triggers our grief (the movie 'Stepmom' is a good example for me). A dear friend said to me once, the pain doesn't lesson, is just becomes less frequent. I love that. It may not hold true for everyone but for me, it hit home.

Grief is a part of life and we will all experience this at some point. I don't want to give people the impression that there is a time limit and you will 'move on' and things will be better in time. The truth is though, in some ways you do move on and things are better but in other ways it can feel harder and more confronting. Grief works in phases like the tides. We all have different triggers, we all had different hopes and dreams and we all need things at different times and in different ways. One common thread I believe is that we learn how to make this a part of our new selves. We find ways to carry on, feel love, take risks and cherish memories. Perhaps the memories are of happier times without the loved one, that is ok too. The best thing to do however, is to find a way to keep your loved one in your life despite them not being in it. This is called a 'continuous bond' in grief theory. You will never replace them, thus they will need to be present in a different way. Whether you talk to them, talk about them, cry for them, laugh at them, learn from them or live in their honour, keeping them as a part of you will help the finality of the situation seem less daunting.

For all those people who have been dealing with loss, I am writing this with you in mind and heart. You are a survivor and it is no easy feat this carrying on business.
Be kind to yourself
XXX
Paula          

Overwhelm is like Stress with a Twist

Lately I have been surrounded by overwhelm. In my personal life, with my clients and with people around me. It has got the cogs turning because it is not like your common anxiety or stress where we seem to fixate on certain things or events, stressful issues and such the like. Overwhelm is something quite chaotic and disorganised and seems to prevent any focus or control, despite being triggered by stressful events and issues in our lives.

The problem with being overwhelmed is that it seems to create an extreme loss of control with many people, thus perpetuating the feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Even the idea of asking for help may seem too much to bare as many people have no idea how to articulate their problems, focus on the main concerns or make sense of reactions. Have you ever felt as though you are just going to explode, want to scream, burst into tears, bang your head a few times? This is often the nasty side effect of being overwhelmed.

People feel overwhelmed in many different and diverse situations and for many different reasons. It can come about from the stress of your present life: too many tasks at work, bills to pay, kids to take care of, being time poor and unable to fit everything you would like to do into you day/week/month/year. Perhaps thinking of the future brings overwhelm: you see your dreams slipping away, the reality of your life does not match your desired hopes and goals, people you love may leave you, kids may grow up, jobs may end etc etc. There is also the past to worry about: unresolved issues rearing their heads in your present life, regrets, past hurt, failed relationships, mistakes or poor choices, anger you are unable to let go. Perhaps it is a bit of all of these things.

We have a saying in the West, 'if it doesn't rain it pours' and it is a well versed saying in many households when your fridge decides to break when you have just taken a loan out for a car. You have been struggling with relationship issues and get fired from your job. I know for myself, everything seems to run out at the same time, when I am at my most broke! The world is a stressful place and you do not need an anxiety disorder to feel the crippling effects of modern day life as people with past histories and future plans.

Unfortunately, when we get into a state of being extremely overwhelmed, this seems to be when we are least effective in problem solving. We struggle to create distance from our troubles and feelings and new stress keeps flooding in. We may even be taking on board the stress of the people around us, worrying about a world of things that are out of our control, pressured and strained from the things we need to get done and we become out of touch with our own needs. This is when people start to shut down and ignore their bodies, their impulses, their rationality and the offers for any form of help. It becomes a state of survival in my experience and can start to effect our ability to take care of ourselves and sometimes others. We often pick up illnesses during this time and I always say 'it is your body telling you to slow down'.

There may not be a way to ease the load you are bogged down with. This I am well aware of. So what do you do?

Think of an emergency room on a Saturday night. So many people are coming in with immediate concerns, injury's, instability and crisis. How do you help everyone with a limited amount of staff and resources? They call it 'Triage'. People are systematically put in a hierarchy of severity. It is understood that every person is important and every case is an emergency but within this realm there are cases that require a faster response than others. These systems sound cold, you may say. Wouldn't it be great if everyone could be helped upon arrival, given immediate care and priority. The same could be said about your own overwhelm, wouldn't it be ideal if you could address every one of your issues immediately and tackle each task simultaneously. For that you would need something short of super human powers - it is not possible to be superman!

We need to take a leaf out of the triage book and step aside from the chaos and our feelings for a minute. Create distance and clear our heads. In whatever way suits you, it is good to put things down objectively and out of your head and onto paper/chalk board/verbally/in a drawing or diagram. I like mind maps personally but that is simply my preference. I also use highlighters because my brain likes colour and finds it easier to separate and organise with different colours. Get all your worries, tasks and concerns and even your feelings if you would like, onto something you can visualise clearly. At this point the objective is not to do anything with them. Just get them out there and in a different format from thought (cognition). Our brains are amazing and we have so much coming in and being processed, it is not hard to see that we get caught up from time to time. Give your brain a break and use your other senses.

You may be surprised to see that problems that seem enormous in your head can fit neatly onto a corner of paper, in point form even. This in itself may be helpful because it allows you to 'forget' your troubles or 'to do list' a bit as it is down on paper (or somewhere) and you can go back to it later. This is a great thing to do on a Friday before you leave work, if you have things to catch up on the next week. Put them in a 'to do List' so that you may allow yourself to 'forget them' over the weekend. As you keep thinking of them, add them to the list or keep another list on you and leave the other one at work. It is a great feeling when you can start crossing things off the list too, but that is up to you :)

Once all your overwhelm is put down on paper etc, start the process of 'triage' and identify your most pressing issues and concerns. Be flexible, circumstances are always changing. If there are things you are worried about but have no control over, such as you mum having an operation the following week or you sent in an application for something and are awaiting results, acknowledge that these concerns are creating stress but there is nothing you can do about them right now. Work out what needs to be tackled first, what cannot be tackled by you, what are your responsibilities and most importantly, what are not. We are social creatures and this has many pro's but the downside is we care deeply about our loved ones or about other people as humans. If you work in my industry and listen to the problems of other people whilst developing relationships with people (even therapeutic ones), you are going to empathise with them and care about their lives. It is a very hard thing to step back and let people make mistakes, return to old habits that are more than likely going to have the same outcome, take risks that could be detrimental etc. It is hard not to feel sadness and pain for people, to feel angry on their behalf or to feel a sense of wanting to 'fix' things.

The bottom line is that we can only hold people's hands through their hardship. We are not nor should be responsible for other people's lives. We have responsibilities to them (particularly children). We can give people knowledge, tools, guidance, support and love, but we cannot control their lives or their perspectives. Everyone is different and that is a good thing. It is time to let go, cut yourself some slack and take the control back in your own lives. Once you have a clear idea of your
overwhelm, then you may start to have more of an idea of what you need and what change needs to occur. Don't beat yourself up about things that are out of your control or capability, you have a right to have limits, to feel what you feel and to say no to things that are too much for you. You also have skills and knowledge, you have survived this world your whole life, you are a fighter! It is normal to struggle from time to time, take action and create some distance so that there is space for other things that can bring you joy.

You can do it
XXXX
Paula

Overreacting? Perhaps it may be transference.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel as if you may explode with anger, frustration and emotion all at the same time? I have recently experienced this and have managed to figure out a few things which I thought would inspire a blog on the topic of transference.

Anyone who has studied any field in the mental health profession will be good friends with this term. Transference has been around in my industry since the days of Freud and I will attempt to give a brief explanation of what it is before I go on. In simplistic terms transference happens when you react to something in your life based not on the incident itself but on things that are being triggered off for you from your past. This is not a conscious process and the emotion you feel towards the current situation can feel very relevant to that particular situation. I may not be making much sense so here is an example I have made up:
Say you get into a fight with your partner because they have not been approving of your choice of outfit. For someone with no emotional connection it may not be a big deal at all, in fact some may even laugh it off. But imagine that as a child your mother would criticise everything you wore and call you fat and ugly. You spend your life trying to gain your mother's approval, trying to better yourself and become preoccupied with how you look. So when your partner says that outfit doesn't look great, you absolutely explode. After the rage you find yourself feeling extremely upset and hurt and can't seem to let it go.

At the time it may feel like a completely valid reaction, the anger is there and so is the hurt. Y
ou value your partners' opinion and feel horrible about the situation. In time however you may start to question why it all feels so intense and wonder why you are unable to move on from it. As I mentioned the past with your mother, it is easy to make the connection that this is stemming from the experiences you had with her and your partner has triggered the past hurt and anger you previously experienced.

Life is not all neat and tidy and transparent however, and it is not always easy to recognise transference (even as therapists - with ourselves and for our clients). I want to share a valuable lesson I learnt whilst doing my placement. I had a very wise supervisor and this is one of my most treasured and most used lessons:

We all react in one way or another to situations. Even the feeling of not caring is a reaction. To be moved or influenced by someone is normal. I will often feel things for my clients such as sadness for their situation, pain for them, anger towards people who have wronged them, compassion, intrigue, frustration etc. A certain amount of these emotions are good and are what make me empathic and human. It is when we have extreme reactions that we need to start paying attention to our own transference and processes. Extremes on both sides, either we react really strongly and are more than moved by something, it effects us; or conversely we are not moved at all and may be bored, complacent, numb or such the like. My supervisor pointed out to me that these extreme reactions are often not about the other person at all but rather about something being triggered off within me - transference. Thus by paying attention to the level of reaction towards something we experience, we are able to recognise our own triggers and start to think about where they are coming from.

Why am I telling you this you may wonder? 

You may just find yourself in a situation where you feel almost combustive with emotion and instead of being able to calm down, you just get more and more worked up. It is in these moments where I urge you to start looking within and asking yourself some questions. In my own situation, after a day of what felt like extreme anxiety and negativity, it took recognising that this was a case of transference but having to sleep on it and perhaps dream (I suspect that is what happened although I do not recall the dream at all) or reflect on it, for the answers to come. Often when the answer feels right there is a sense of relief. Many people, myself included, experience this in a very physical and real way, even if it is fleeting. As counsellors we are taught in certain therapy frameworks to look out for this sign of relief and help the client to recognise that they have tapped into something meaningful. In my own situation I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted and as I told my partner about the experience and the tears and emotion was able to flow freely, I was able to find relief and understanding and move on from my extreme reaction.

Unfortunately recognising and exploring transference can be difficult and even painful. It is important to be patient and kind to yourself. I find it is really helpful to explore with someone else, muse out loud or write things down. Move out of your head and into your experiencing and body so to speak. Pay attention to how you are feeling and look at yourself with curiosity and compassion. We all have our demons and skeletons and need to navigate through them sometimes. Awareness brings about more control and understanding.

Happy sailing :)
XX
Paula

When I 'listen to my gut' am I really listening to the internalised voices of my past?

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to family patterns and how much we are influenced by our upbringing. The 'nature/nurture' argument has been around for decades but this particular concept often gets my cogs turning.

Sometimes, as I watch all my peers start having kids of their own, I feel a bit frightened for them. The reason for this is because I often still feel like I don't know nearly enough to feel prepared for the responsibility of caring for another little human being. Somewhere along the line (and I have noticed much of this happens a bit after the birth, not immediately) instincts kick in and new mothers seem to have a deeper knowing when it comes to their children. Where does this come from?

The black and white answer can be that you learn how to be a mum (or dad) throughout your life. You learn from all of your own experiences, primarily from your own parental figures. Other influences include modelling other significant relationships, learning from teachers, coaches and tutors, learning from your peers and learning through play. Another viewpoint can be looking at the nature side of things and ones instincts. Humans have very little instincts when compared to our animal folk. Much of our behaviour is learned. Many of us are being signalled by our 'instincts' regularly but do not pay attention. The saying 'trust your gut' is a good example of this. But is 'your gut' really just an amalgamation of all the voices of your past, namely your parents, that have been internalised over the years?

In phenomenology or experiential psychology, Ernest Spinelli* explains that we are all unique individuals who may share common experiences, but our perception and experience of these common experiences will differ between each individual. The reason for this is the 'meaning' we place on that experience. This meaning is influenced by all the different experiences in our lives such as our upbringing, values, principles, past experience, culture, religion, education, personality type etc etc. So if we think of how everything in our life is influenced by the meaning we create due to our past experiences, parenthood should be no different right? That can be a very frightening concept for some people. Many people are terrified of passing on negative legacy's left by their own parents, and sadly, many people do continue to pass this on.

It is not uncommon for people who suffered the hands of abuse to go on to becoming abusers themselves. I do not have any solid answer for this, nor will I attempt to stereotype and generalise. What I am intending to highlight is the power 'nurture' seems to have, even over 'nature' in some instances. Let me give an example: A child that has been put down, criticised and neglected growing up will often find it very difficult to believe in themself. The voices of primary attachment figures have become embedded in this child and after years of conditioning and being led to believe they are not worthy, intelligent or special, the child will grow up and believe those voices to be their own. It can often take a lot of therapeutic work to undo this pattern of thinking and to differentiate the persons' own self from the conditioning others have placed on them. It is no wonder that when someone has been shown abuse instead of encouragement and love, it is not easy for that person to learn how to show encouragement and love themselves.

I want to be clear that I do not mean impossible when I say 'not easy'. Sometimes our bad experiences show us how we do NOT want to behave or live. In psychology they may use the terms 'repeat or resist' when it comes to our parental influences. As individuals we have a choice, we can simulate behaviours as we have learnt them or we can resist them and change or break the patterns. Resisting and changing patterns can create a lot of conflict and can make people feel very unstable. Sometimes we need other people to help us, to reassure us and to validate our decisions so as to feel less alone. I say less alone because when we resist our familial patterns we are often challenging our values and our world view as we knew them, taking us away from that sense of belonging. Many people who have been abused will have unresolved issues/hurt/pain/anger etc and this can make one feel very out of control, particularly when it comes to personal choices and what I have been referring to as 'resistance'.

Breaking patterns and creating change happens best when we are aware of our patterns and of ourselves (as much as possible). Referring to phenomenology again, in regards to making any decision, the best way to secure the best possible outcome is to put all the cards on the table, giving each card equal footing. Once you have all your cards (elements of the problem) in front of you and you are able to look at the problem from all angles, the answer can then be seen more clearly. In other words, in order for you to break a cycle or a pattern, you need to understand the cycle and the pattern as it stands, from all angles. You may be afraid that you will become violent and abusive like your father and feel this is something you have no control over. The truth is, you may, but you have the choice not to. You may need to open up some old wounds in order for you to understand your past experiences and the present fears, but once you start to separate the abuse from who you are as an individual, to realise that you do have a choice and control, that is when you are able to allow change to occur. The choice lies in your actions now, in the present and in your own motivation to be who you would like to be. The 'nature' side of you, the essence of you is not fundamentally bad. No one is born evil, no one is a bad seed! We are shaped by our nurturing, our environment and by our need to survive. We cannot change our experiences but we CAN change our reactions to them. Sometimes it just takes a bit of work.

I like to believe that 'my gut' is a mixture of my instincts and my upbringing. As a counsellor I am learning to value the power of listening to my body, listening to those voices, to those feelings that creep in unexpectedly, to those waves of emotion that come out of the blue. often, when I pay attention, I am given many clues about a particular situation and once or twice my instincts have kept me safe. My message today is to listen to your gut and if something does not feel right, pay attention :) You can break those cycles if you so wish to :)

XXX
Paula

*Spinelli, E. (2005). The Interpreted World: an introduction to phenomenological psychology (2nd Ed).

        SAGE Publications: London, UK.

Is my Grief 'Normal'?

YES!

There is NO strict set of rules, set time frame or particularly approved way of being when it comes to grief. In other words, there is no 'normal' way to grieve in my opinion. It is important to be mindful of your own process. If you have been battling to function for an extended period of time, it may be useful to see a counsellor or join a group to help you learn how to cope with your grief and regain some control over your functioning. I always recommend seeing your GP if you are not sure what to do or how to get some help.

Every person will deal with loss in their own unique way. The person, pet or even non-living thing or aspect of self that has been lost will be significant to the bereaved in different and personal ways. Our relationships are complex and cannot be given a formula or a one-size fits all mentality, so too is our grief. Think of the last movie you saw. Many other people will have seen the same movie too. Some people will enjoy it and others won't. Most people will have a view of the movie based on their unique outlook coupled with past experience, how they relate to characters, what effects moved them etc. You get my point. Grief is the same. There will always be commonalities between people who are grieving and theories are formulated based on these commonalities. We can establish that there are similarities in how people of different age groups grieve, of how men and women grieve and in how various cultures grieve. The circumstances of the loss will also affect the way people grieve. These similarities are important because they can make us feel less alone, less afraid and perhaps less judgemental of ourselves.

Comparing our grief to others can also be harmful. Many people have a stereotypical view of grief and loss. Some examples I have come across are that people are tearful and cry all the time; people are unable to enjoy themselves and mope around wearing black; that people do not want to talk about the deceased or that people are 'strong' because they are not crying. There are many more and I am sure each culture, family or social group will hold varying stereotypes. The reason I call this harmful is because people have very little control over how they react to loss. Literature shows that grief is all encompassing and can effect us on almost every level (physical, emotional, spiritual, social etc). Many people find they feel a lot of guilt and/or regret whilst grieving. By setting these stereotypes of grief, society has found a way to add to this guilt by creating judgement towards people who are not grieving in a way that is deemed 'appropriate'.

My message today is to attempt to move away from these stereotypes and to share what I feel is the most important lesson I have learn't in regards to grief: There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no clear definition of 'normal'. If you are unable to cry, that's alright. If you cry all the time, that's alright. If you need to be around things that remind you of your loved one, that's alright. If you need a complete change and to create distance from your memories, that's alright. If you want to talk, that's alright. If you can't talk, or don't want to, that's alright. If you feel angry, that's alright. If you feel happy despite your loss, that's alright. Whatever and however you are reacting is how you as an individual are coping. You are doing what you need to do to get through this loss.

As I said above, grief can effect us on all levels and some people will have more trouble than others in certain areas. Some common features of grief are loss of appetite and inability to sleep or stay asleep. Many people become very run down and pick up illnesses at this time due to a reduced immune system.There are biological reasons for this, I won't get into this here but I urge people to read further on this topic if there is an interest. Taking care of yourself may not seem important when you are bereaved but if these symptoms persist perhaps it would be helpful to see your GP and talk about options to help you, particularly with the physical symptoms. Lack of food and sleep can impair our reasoning and can make things feel a lot worse.

If you have any thoughts of suicide or self harm please know that there are people there to help and numbers you can call. Don't suffer in silence. Listen to your body and be kind to yourself. Things will never be the same but you CAN learn to find ways of living with your loss. Time will give you perspective and there is support out there. Try to find someone in your life who can listen to you and allow you to work through your pain in your own unique way. Remember too that some people in your life may not be able to help you and that does not mean that you are doing anything wrong or that you do not deserve help; it means that some people are unable to help you due to their own unique circumstances or abilities.

Hang in there!
Paula