Reflecting on Reflection

We all reflect. Whether consciously or unconsciously, it is a product of our human gift of higher level functioning. Reflection can come under many different terms and labels which is why we are not always aware of our own processes and abilities to reflect. You may call it 'analysing', 'musing' 'in hindsight', 'when I think about it', 'I realised' etc. Reflection happens when you think about something that has happened or is happening outside of the actual situation. Reflection can be deep and philosophical or it can be simple and seem like going over a memory. It can even be somewhere in between the deep and the simple. The questions I want to pose today are 'Why do we reflect?' and 'What are the benefits or downfalls of reflection?'

Reflection is a vital part of counselling and therapy, for both the client and the therapist. Without it the work that is being done is blind. One cannot recognize the changes made, patterns identified or how or what journey has been taken to end up where you are in the present without reflecting on it. This is important, not only in therapy, but in life. We all know the saying 'learning from your mistakes'. In order to learn we must understand and in order to understand we must reflect. It is not just true of mistakes. We also need to reflect and understand what we do well and on our strengths in order to continue achieving success and living in a way that satisfies us and keeps us safe. This begins to answer the question of 'why we reflect'.

The benefits of reflection can be vast. We all process information in different ways and in different speeds. Some people think on their feet, others need time to formulate their thoughts before sharing them. When we become emotional (positive or negative emotions), our thinking changes and we think and react differently. If we are angry we often say things and act impulsively. This can be true too when we are frightened, feeling stressed, panicked, excited or overjoyed etc. We also gain influence from others or from the values and culture instilled in us. We are a product of learning and much of our character and way of experiencing the world is due to what we have learnt and the environment we have been raised in. We are individuals living in a society with other individuals. We are not perfect, nor should we have that expectation of ourselves. We do, however, have values, morals, standards and beliefs that influence our thinking and behaviour as well as our reactions to experiences. Now add emotions. We can't nor shouldn't control the way we feel, nor should we be ashamed of how we feel. Feelings are natural and fundamentally serve to help us and alert us to how we 'feel' about something. Reflection, therefore, assists us in learning about ourselves and helps us to find 'meaning' in our lives. It also helps us to make sense of our reactions and helps us to find the words to explain our feelings, reactions and needs.

For example, you may have felt wronged by someone and feel angry with that person. You do not want to walk away from the situation but you do want the person to realise they have angered you and you want them to understand why. You may also want them to understand so that they do not wrong you again. Unfortunately, many people do not automatically see their role in the wrongdoing in the same way you do. You may not realise it but when you spend time thinking about the problem, formulating conversations and responses in your head and looking at why this happened in the first place, that is reflection. Looking at things in hindsight and upon reflection can give you the time and space you need to make sense of a situation without the emotional closeness that 'being in the moment' entails. It allows you to look at things with a fresh perspective, perhaps after talking to others or after a distraction from the problem due to other life demands. Sometimes 'sleeping on it' can clear things up for you as this gives your subconscious a chance to process events.

 To have healthy reflection and for the benefits to be the greatest the focus must be on YOU. It is easy to fall into the trap of blame and it is easy to look at the role others have in your life. It is less easy to look at your own contributions to a situation, positive and negative. This is one of the biggest downfalls of reflection in my opinion. We seem to struggle to acknowledge our strengths in a situation, particularly if the situation has not been easy or does not have the outcome we had hoped for. We also seem to struggle to see our contributions when the situation is relational and someone else has hurt or angered us. It is so easy to blame someone and picture them as a villain with bad intentions. Sometimes they are villains and sometimes they deserve blame. The catch is though, that assigning blame and holding onto anger without reflecting on your own processes, expectations, strengths or values can be poisonous.  It is important to learn from experiences that effect you so that you may grow and let go of the negative thinking and self doubt. Reflecting in a way that focusses on YOU enables you to find confidence in your life and in how you react. It gives you the clarity to ask for what you need and protect against things and people that cause you harm.

When you focus on others and external things you can easily fall into the trap of getting stuck in a thinking pattern that causes stress and anxiety. Other people and external things in your life are often uncontrollable. No matter how much you try, you cannot change someone that does not want to be changed. You cannot change your past (recent or historical). You can riddle yourself in guilt, anger or shame until you are crippled with it, it wont change what happened. Reflecting on what should have been is only beneficial if you look at the past in a way that encompasses questions and curiosity without blame. So you blew up at your friend for something small, it happened. Look at why it happened first. What was going on for you at the time, why did you feel so angry, was it about the friend or something else? Once you have established the 'why' look at the present. What can you do about it NOW. What do you feel would be the best outcome for YOU? What do you need? Perhaps that friend has let you down in a way that really hurt you. Do you want to save the friendship? If so, what needs to change so that you feel better about it? How could you handle things better in the past so that you have more control over your reactions? The answers are there and it takes courage and reflection to listen to yourself and listen to your needs. You have choices and in order to make them you need to understand the context of the situation and your role in it. Most importantly though, you need to understand yourself in the situation and this is never easy. The harder you are on yourself, the harder it will be to gain the truth and listen to your needs.

Being conscious of how you think,
react and behave is the best place to start. Give yourself time and space to do this and open yourself up to healthy reflection. You are worth the trouble!

Be kind to yourself
XXX
Paula

Overwhelm is like Stress with a Twist

Lately I have been surrounded by overwhelm. In my personal life, with my clients and with people around me. It has got the cogs turning because it is not like your common anxiety or stress where we seem to fixate on certain things or events, stressful issues and such the like. Overwhelm is something quite chaotic and disorganised and seems to prevent any focus or control, despite being triggered by stressful events and issues in our lives.

The problem with being overwhelmed is that it seems to create an extreme loss of control with many people, thus perpetuating the feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Even the idea of asking for help may seem too much to bare as many people have no idea how to articulate their problems, focus on the main concerns or make sense of reactions. Have you ever felt as though you are just going to explode, want to scream, burst into tears, bang your head a few times? This is often the nasty side effect of being overwhelmed.

People feel overwhelmed in many different and diverse situations and for many different reasons. It can come about from the stress of your present life: too many tasks at work, bills to pay, kids to take care of, being time poor and unable to fit everything you would like to do into you day/week/month/year. Perhaps thinking of the future brings overwhelm: you see your dreams slipping away, the reality of your life does not match your desired hopes and goals, people you love may leave you, kids may grow up, jobs may end etc etc. There is also the past to worry about: unresolved issues rearing their heads in your present life, regrets, past hurt, failed relationships, mistakes or poor choices, anger you are unable to let go. Perhaps it is a bit of all of these things.

We have a saying in the West, 'if it doesn't rain it pours' and it is a well versed saying in many households when your fridge decides to break when you have just taken a loan out for a car. You have been struggling with relationship issues and get fired from your job. I know for myself, everything seems to run out at the same time, when I am at my most broke! The world is a stressful place and you do not need an anxiety disorder to feel the crippling effects of modern day life as people with past histories and future plans.

Unfortunately, when we get into a state of being extremely overwhelmed, this seems to be when we are least effective in problem solving. We struggle to create distance from our troubles and feelings and new stress keeps flooding in. We may even be taking on board the stress of the people around us, worrying about a world of things that are out of our control, pressured and strained from the things we need to get done and we become out of touch with our own needs. This is when people start to shut down and ignore their bodies, their impulses, their rationality and the offers for any form of help. It becomes a state of survival in my experience and can start to effect our ability to take care of ourselves and sometimes others. We often pick up illnesses during this time and I always say 'it is your body telling you to slow down'.

There may not be a way to ease the load you are bogged down with. This I am well aware of. So what do you do?

Think of an emergency room on a Saturday night. So many people are coming in with immediate concerns, injury's, instability and crisis. How do you help everyone with a limited amount of staff and resources? They call it 'Triage'. People are systematically put in a hierarchy of severity. It is understood that every person is important and every case is an emergency but within this realm there are cases that require a faster response than others. These systems sound cold, you may say. Wouldn't it be great if everyone could be helped upon arrival, given immediate care and priority. The same could be said about your own overwhelm, wouldn't it be ideal if you could address every one of your issues immediately and tackle each task simultaneously. For that you would need something short of super human powers - it is not possible to be superman!

We need to take a leaf out of the triage book and step aside from the chaos and our feelings for a minute. Create distance and clear our heads. In whatever way suits you, it is good to put things down objectively and out of your head and onto paper/chalk board/verbally/in a drawing or diagram. I like mind maps personally but that is simply my preference. I also use highlighters because my brain likes colour and finds it easier to separate and organise with different colours. Get all your worries, tasks and concerns and even your feelings if you would like, onto something you can visualise clearly. At this point the objective is not to do anything with them. Just get them out there and in a different format from thought (cognition). Our brains are amazing and we have so much coming in and being processed, it is not hard to see that we get caught up from time to time. Give your brain a break and use your other senses.

You may be surprised to see that problems that seem enormous in your head can fit neatly onto a corner of paper, in point form even. This in itself may be helpful because it allows you to 'forget' your troubles or 'to do list' a bit as it is down on paper (or somewhere) and you can go back to it later. This is a great thing to do on a Friday before you leave work, if you have things to catch up on the next week. Put them in a 'to do List' so that you may allow yourself to 'forget them' over the weekend. As you keep thinking of them, add them to the list or keep another list on you and leave the other one at work. It is a great feeling when you can start crossing things off the list too, but that is up to you :)

Once all your overwhelm is put down on paper etc, start the process of 'triage' and identify your most pressing issues and concerns. Be flexible, circumstances are always changing. If there are things you are worried about but have no control over, such as you mum having an operation the following week or you sent in an application for something and are awaiting results, acknowledge that these concerns are creating stress but there is nothing you can do about them right now. Work out what needs to be tackled first, what cannot be tackled by you, what are your responsibilities and most importantly, what are not. We are social creatures and this has many pro's but the downside is we care deeply about our loved ones or about other people as humans. If you work in my industry and listen to the problems of other people whilst developing relationships with people (even therapeutic ones), you are going to empathise with them and care about their lives. It is a very hard thing to step back and let people make mistakes, return to old habits that are more than likely going to have the same outcome, take risks that could be detrimental etc. It is hard not to feel sadness and pain for people, to feel angry on their behalf or to feel a sense of wanting to 'fix' things.

The bottom line is that we can only hold people's hands through their hardship. We are not nor should be responsible for other people's lives. We have responsibilities to them (particularly children). We can give people knowledge, tools, guidance, support and love, but we cannot control their lives or their perspectives. Everyone is different and that is a good thing. It is time to let go, cut yourself some slack and take the control back in your own lives. Once you have a clear idea of your
overwhelm, then you may start to have more of an idea of what you need and what change needs to occur. Don't beat yourself up about things that are out of your control or capability, you have a right to have limits, to feel what you feel and to say no to things that are too much for you. You also have skills and knowledge, you have survived this world your whole life, you are a fighter! It is normal to struggle from time to time, take action and create some distance so that there is space for other things that can bring you joy.

You can do it
XXXX
Paula

Why is 'change' just so damn hard?!

What is it about the word ‘change’ that seems to provoke anxiety in the very strongest of us humans? Good or bad, the very nature of change can create a whirlwind of experiencing in us, often in a very difficult way.

I use the word ‘change’ quite loosely of course, but truth be told, even the smallest elements of change can create huge and influential effects. Take growing older for instance. This is not some cataclysmic shock, it is not a devastation or natural disaster and it is not something anyone one of us can avoid. It is one of the few things society can label ‘normal’. We all age, every year, every day, every second. The process of aging differs in each of us on a micro level but on a macro level, we all run through the hands of time, maturing physically and biologically, developing, growing, wrinkling and evolving. But during the differing life stages, the change can feel enormous and there is a  certain amount of hardship as we say goodbye to each phase and hello to the new one.

This gets me thinking about something my supervisor on my counselling placement taught me in regards to decisions making. Many clients came to see me due to an inability to commit to a decision. I couldn’t quite grasp how living in this limbo was the chosen path, keeping a foot in both doors, keeping both options open but reaping the benefits of neither...we all do it, myself included, what is the gain? The words of wisdom: To make a decision means a severing of another. Powerful stuff, let me break it down further. When we make a decision, chose a meal, pick a partner, take a path, choose particular words, we are inherently shutting off various other options. It is this ‘severing’ of options which can leave us in doubt, fearing the wrong decisions, fearing regret, error, remorse etc. Decisions are an element of change, we commit to a choice at the sacrifice of other choices so to speak...not easy. Change is similar I believe. When we make changes, however small, we are severing a part of ourselves in a way, we are abandoning the familiar and heading into the unknown.

Sometimes change is thrust upon us in a way that is traumatic. Death is one of those things, either to others or our own mortality. The greater the personal the loss, the more resistant to change we seem to become. Looking at aging again as this ties in with the idea of our own mortality, how many of you have felt saddened at the loss of your childhood innocence? I often look back at the times of blissful ignorance and wonder if I was better off just not knowing the realities of the world. I think about how I used to play, how I used to get excited, how I used to dream and I feel a great deal of loss that this time in my life will never be repeated. Change is not just about external circumstances and occurrences’ that happen to you, the most difficult changes are often the ones that happen under the conscious, within us and on levels we can only muse about. Sometimes you can look back and realise your beliefs have evolved, your values have changed, your thoughts are different and your needs have varied. When we do not embrace our internal changes and most importantly our evolving needs, how are we supposed to adapt and get our needs met? If we continue to remain in our old habits and routines, asking for the same type of help, soothing ourselves in the same way, seeking people out that help us in the same ways, we are ignoring and resisting our own evolution and conflicts may start to arise within us.

Something many people may have heard is:

You cannot change the past but you CAN change your reactions and attitude towards it.

Change can be so traumatic and difficult that people can become ill, develop disorders such as adjustment disorder, depression, anxiety etc. People can miss opportunities, shut themselves off, have sleep disturbances, fail to progress towards their potential and a variety of other examples in this resistance to change. We all deal with change is our own ways but I think most people will agree that whatever the way, it is never easy. Something as natural and unavoidable as change is one of the most powerful elements of life in my opinion. It can have the power to make or break you and we have very little control over much of it (and it’s outcomes). The best we can do is become aware of ourselves. Learn to recognise how you handle change and how you have been changing over your life. Learn to find the inner strength to cope, creating ways to feel a sense of security and safety that is relevant to you. One thing I am trying to do for myself is to seek out the real me. The part of me that has been at the core throughout my life, my essence or character if you will. This, I believe is something that evolves and is influenced on one level but at the organic level it is me, my soul, my foundation, my epicentre so to speak. I am learning to ground myself in the present, to be with myself in the here and now and to separate all my over thinking from my actual experiencing. This is a work in progress but I like to believe that in this ever changing world, the essence of me will always be just that...ME J