Reflecting on Reflection

We all reflect. Whether consciously or unconsciously, it is a product of our human gift of higher level functioning. Reflection can come under many different terms and labels which is why we are not always aware of our own processes and abilities to reflect. You may call it 'analysing', 'musing' 'in hindsight', 'when I think about it', 'I realised' etc. Reflection happens when you think about something that has happened or is happening outside of the actual situation. Reflection can be deep and philosophical or it can be simple and seem like going over a memory. It can even be somewhere in between the deep and the simple. The questions I want to pose today are 'Why do we reflect?' and 'What are the benefits or downfalls of reflection?'

Reflection is a vital part of counselling and therapy, for both the client and the therapist. Without it the work that is being done is blind. One cannot recognize the changes made, patterns identified or how or what journey has been taken to end up where you are in the present without reflecting on it. This is important, not only in therapy, but in life. We all know the saying 'learning from your mistakes'. In order to learn we must understand and in order to understand we must reflect. It is not just true of mistakes. We also need to reflect and understand what we do well and on our strengths in order to continue achieving success and living in a way that satisfies us and keeps us safe. This begins to answer the question of 'why we reflect'.

The benefits of reflection can be vast. We all process information in different ways and in different speeds. Some people think on their feet, others need time to formulate their thoughts before sharing them. When we become emotional (positive or negative emotions), our thinking changes and we think and react differently. If we are angry we often say things and act impulsively. This can be true too when we are frightened, feeling stressed, panicked, excited or overjoyed etc. We also gain influence from others or from the values and culture instilled in us. We are a product of learning and much of our character and way of experiencing the world is due to what we have learnt and the environment we have been raised in. We are individuals living in a society with other individuals. We are not perfect, nor should we have that expectation of ourselves. We do, however, have values, morals, standards and beliefs that influence our thinking and behaviour as well as our reactions to experiences. Now add emotions. We can't nor shouldn't control the way we feel, nor should we be ashamed of how we feel. Feelings are natural and fundamentally serve to help us and alert us to how we 'feel' about something. Reflection, therefore, assists us in learning about ourselves and helps us to find 'meaning' in our lives. It also helps us to make sense of our reactions and helps us to find the words to explain our feelings, reactions and needs.

For example, you may have felt wronged by someone and feel angry with that person. You do not want to walk away from the situation but you do want the person to realise they have angered you and you want them to understand why. You may also want them to understand so that they do not wrong you again. Unfortunately, many people do not automatically see their role in the wrongdoing in the same way you do. You may not realise it but when you spend time thinking about the problem, formulating conversations and responses in your head and looking at why this happened in the first place, that is reflection. Looking at things in hindsight and upon reflection can give you the time and space you need to make sense of a situation without the emotional closeness that 'being in the moment' entails. It allows you to look at things with a fresh perspective, perhaps after talking to others or after a distraction from the problem due to other life demands. Sometimes 'sleeping on it' can clear things up for you as this gives your subconscious a chance to process events.

 To have healthy reflection and for the benefits to be the greatest the focus must be on YOU. It is easy to fall into the trap of blame and it is easy to look at the role others have in your life. It is less easy to look at your own contributions to a situation, positive and negative. This is one of the biggest downfalls of reflection in my opinion. We seem to struggle to acknowledge our strengths in a situation, particularly if the situation has not been easy or does not have the outcome we had hoped for. We also seem to struggle to see our contributions when the situation is relational and someone else has hurt or angered us. It is so easy to blame someone and picture them as a villain with bad intentions. Sometimes they are villains and sometimes they deserve blame. The catch is though, that assigning blame and holding onto anger without reflecting on your own processes, expectations, strengths or values can be poisonous.  It is important to learn from experiences that effect you so that you may grow and let go of the negative thinking and self doubt. Reflecting in a way that focusses on YOU enables you to find confidence in your life and in how you react. It gives you the clarity to ask for what you need and protect against things and people that cause you harm.

When you focus on others and external things you can easily fall into the trap of getting stuck in a thinking pattern that causes stress and anxiety. Other people and external things in your life are often uncontrollable. No matter how much you try, you cannot change someone that does not want to be changed. You cannot change your past (recent or historical). You can riddle yourself in guilt, anger or shame until you are crippled with it, it wont change what happened. Reflecting on what should have been is only beneficial if you look at the past in a way that encompasses questions and curiosity without blame. So you blew up at your friend for something small, it happened. Look at why it happened first. What was going on for you at the time, why did you feel so angry, was it about the friend or something else? Once you have established the 'why' look at the present. What can you do about it NOW. What do you feel would be the best outcome for YOU? What do you need? Perhaps that friend has let you down in a way that really hurt you. Do you want to save the friendship? If so, what needs to change so that you feel better about it? How could you handle things better in the past so that you have more control over your reactions? The answers are there and it takes courage and reflection to listen to yourself and listen to your needs. You have choices and in order to make them you need to understand the context of the situation and your role in it. Most importantly though, you need to understand yourself in the situation and this is never easy. The harder you are on yourself, the harder it will be to gain the truth and listen to your needs.

Being conscious of how you think,
react and behave is the best place to start. Give yourself time and space to do this and open yourself up to healthy reflection. You are worth the trouble!

Be kind to yourself
XXX
Paula

Overreacting? Perhaps it may be transference.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel as if you may explode with anger, frustration and emotion all at the same time? I have recently experienced this and have managed to figure out a few things which I thought would inspire a blog on the topic of transference.

Anyone who has studied any field in the mental health profession will be good friends with this term. Transference has been around in my industry since the days of Freud and I will attempt to give a brief explanation of what it is before I go on. In simplistic terms transference happens when you react to something in your life based not on the incident itself but on things that are being triggered off for you from your past. This is not a conscious process and the emotion you feel towards the current situation can feel very relevant to that particular situation. I may not be making much sense so here is an example I have made up:
Say you get into a fight with your partner because they have not been approving of your choice of outfit. For someone with no emotional connection it may not be a big deal at all, in fact some may even laugh it off. But imagine that as a child your mother would criticise everything you wore and call you fat and ugly. You spend your life trying to gain your mother's approval, trying to better yourself and become preoccupied with how you look. So when your partner says that outfit doesn't look great, you absolutely explode. After the rage you find yourself feeling extremely upset and hurt and can't seem to let it go.

At the time it may feel like a completely valid reaction, the anger is there and so is the hurt. Y
ou value your partners' opinion and feel horrible about the situation. In time however you may start to question why it all feels so intense and wonder why you are unable to move on from it. As I mentioned the past with your mother, it is easy to make the connection that this is stemming from the experiences you had with her and your partner has triggered the past hurt and anger you previously experienced.

Life is not all neat and tidy and transparent however, and it is not always easy to recognise transference (even as therapists - with ourselves and for our clients). I want to share a valuable lesson I learnt whilst doing my placement. I had a very wise supervisor and this is one of my most treasured and most used lessons:

We all react in one way or another to situations. Even the feeling of not caring is a reaction. To be moved or influenced by someone is normal. I will often feel things for my clients such as sadness for their situation, pain for them, anger towards people who have wronged them, compassion, intrigue, frustration etc. A certain amount of these emotions are good and are what make me empathic and human. It is when we have extreme reactions that we need to start paying attention to our own transference and processes. Extremes on both sides, either we react really strongly and are more than moved by something, it effects us; or conversely we are not moved at all and may be bored, complacent, numb or such the like. My supervisor pointed out to me that these extreme reactions are often not about the other person at all but rather about something being triggered off within me - transference. Thus by paying attention to the level of reaction towards something we experience, we are able to recognise our own triggers and start to think about where they are coming from.

Why am I telling you this you may wonder? 

You may just find yourself in a situation where you feel almost combustive with emotion and instead of being able to calm down, you just get more and more worked up. It is in these moments where I urge you to start looking within and asking yourself some questions. In my own situation, after a day of what felt like extreme anxiety and negativity, it took recognising that this was a case of transference but having to sleep on it and perhaps dream (I suspect that is what happened although I do not recall the dream at all) or reflect on it, for the answers to come. Often when the answer feels right there is a sense of relief. Many people, myself included, experience this in a very physical and real way, even if it is fleeting. As counsellors we are taught in certain therapy frameworks to look out for this sign of relief and help the client to recognise that they have tapped into something meaningful. In my own situation I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted and as I told my partner about the experience and the tears and emotion was able to flow freely, I was able to find relief and understanding and move on from my extreme reaction.

Unfortunately recognising and exploring transference can be difficult and even painful. It is important to be patient and kind to yourself. I find it is really helpful to explore with someone else, muse out loud or write things down. Move out of your head and into your experiencing and body so to speak. Pay attention to how you are feeling and look at yourself with curiosity and compassion. We all have our demons and skeletons and need to navigate through them sometimes. Awareness brings about more control and understanding.

Happy sailing :)
XX
Paula