My experiences of living with and working through Anxiety

Most people will experience a level of anxiety at some point. Most of us know this to be 'stress'. Whether you have an anxiety disorder or whether life has gotten the better of you and you are struggling with the feelings of stress and anxiety, it can be very hard to deal with.

I could come at this from a more clinical perspective and tell you that Anxiety is a fear based disorder classified as 'excessive worry' by the DSM-V (Diagnostic and statistical Manual used to categorize and label mental health illnesses). Instead I would like to talk about this in a more real, experiential way, sharing my experiences and how I have worked through and with my own anxiety. As with all illnesses, there are some common symptoms but every person is unique and will have their own experiences. I am no different. Hopefully this will help you to view anxiety a bit differently and approach your own stress in a slightly different frame of mind.

I have experienced 'stress' for as long as I can remember. I feel my anxiety in my body more than anything. Anxiety is a very physical disorder for many people due to the inability to relax and the high levels of worry that you may experience. Your body starts to react which I found increased my worry and made me feel trapped in this state of hypersensitivity. When I am anxious I tend to feel a great deal of pressure. The feelings of anxiety will latch on to relevant issues in my life that deserve a bit of stress but my reactions far outweigh the problem. Much of the time I manage this without people being aware. One of the worst mental pitfalls of anxiety that I experience is rumination. Thoughts that go round and round. Playing conversations in my head over and over. Having imaginary fights with people, even strangers, often based on me lashing out in defence to perceived threats or insults. None of this is warranted, none of it worthy of the amount of energy I expend. I end up mentally exhausted and angry. I become frustrated and angry with myself and often feel ashamed at my inability to control this. The negative, judgemental self talk starts. I feel defeated and want to escape, run away and start again. The light at the end of the anxiety attack seems very distant and at times I can't imagine it being there.

For me, mental exercises such as stopping thoughts and re-framing thoughts is difficult. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy works well for some people but for me, it added to my mental exhaustion and didn't fit. I never went to a CBT therapist, I did a group when in the UK and found the whole process to be a great learning opportunity (budding psychotherapist that I am) but in no way helpful or applicable. In fact one of the members was clearly grieving and had been lumped in this group without being fully assessed. The mental health system can be like this at times. We are so hell bent on finding a quick fix, evidence based solution that the government will fund that individual experiences and the acknowledgement of people having complex life experiences falls by the wayside.

Anxiety is often a product of emotional neglect in childhood. I have learnt a great deal in my own healing journey and would very much like to share this with you all. Emotional neglect is a bit different from emotional abuse, which we associate with emotionally manipulating people in order to control them or put them down. Childhood emotional neglect is a bit different and possibly one of the most damaging forms of abuse. It is often not deliberate at all and I hesitated calling it abuse. It occurs when parents or carers fail to effectively meet their child's emotional needs. Children are not attended to emotionally and they are not taught how to manage their emotions. Often this is because parents have not had their own emotional needs met. It is generational. Fear stems from instability and a lack of safety in the world. When needs are consistently not met in childhood this creates anxiety from an early age. Anxiety is a tough one to identify though as stress is such a common state. I remember being in a pharmacy looking for a vitamins and chose one that was good for stress. The pharmacist asked me if I was stressed and I replied 'Who isn't?' She said to me that she wasn't and looked taken aback by my response. I started to wonder if my stress was unusual.

I learn't in therapy and through my own personal growth and professional knowledge that instead of trying to change my thinking patterns, I needed to understand my emotions. I needed to understand what my child self went through on a feeling level. I had become so cut off from my felt sense, from how I experience things in my body. I was unable to connect to many of my feelings, I stayed in the realm of thinking and intellectualising. I inherently had to learn how to do this again. Meditation was key for me. I struggled a great deal at first. I find doing this whilst being open to exploring your true feelings and experiences in a safe and guided manner is the most helpful. I needed to work on some deep set beliefs I had been holding for most of my life. I have had a lot of shame and am still muddling through this aspect of myself.

The release for me has been confronting my anxiety and the reasons for it head on. I do not believe some people 'just develop it'. This is a myth and centred around our denial and resistance to looking at how we have been parented. This is not a criticism at all. I know first hand how guilty you can feel seeing the people who gave you so much as being the people who hurt you emotionally. Let me tell you though, once I worked through my attachment issues with my mother, I realised one day that my memories of her had changed for the better. The very memories that induced so much pain have been re-framed in my mind and I was seeing them more fondly. I understood her, I saw her for who she was and loved her more deeply than I was ever able to. In working on my childhood pain with a therapist that I trusted I was able to release the intense emotions attached to my trauma. I learnt how to be the parent to myself and identify my own needs and meet them for myself. This process is tough and so much comes to the surface before it can be released. This means the intensity heightens and you have to be aware of the process or you may just want to retreat back into your shell (believe me, that's normal). Should you persist, you WILL overcome it and come out so much stronger. Each challenge becomes that little bit easier. You find strength to work on yourself in ways which you never thought possible. You look at patterns in your life that no longer serve you. You start feeling a sense of self love you never thought was possible. This takes time but something I always felt was that although there is pain, it's NEW pain. It sure beats the same old ruminations and stress.

Not all therapist's believe in this. Working on your childhood attachment trauma when suffering from anxiety or any mental illness is the key. It allows you to release and purge this unwanted baggage and change in a way that you can't possibly go backwards from. You learn HOW to work on yourself and WHY you are feeling the way you do. You learn how to feel and trust your feelings. You learn about who you are. I no longer struggle in the same way. I get triggered at times but I allow those triggers to surface and I observe them, my behaviour and work through my emotions. Like I said, you learn how to work on yourself, on your shadow self.

Anxiety is not a life sentence and you don't need to stop your thoughts or change anything. On the contrary you need to observe them, accept them and reflect on them. Let them guide you. Focus on your feelings, really work hard at being in the present and with whatever you are experiencing. Be kind to yourself and hang in there!

Take care,
Paula X

Reflecting on Reflection

We all reflect. Whether consciously or unconsciously, it is a product of our human gift of higher level functioning. Reflection can come under many different terms and labels which is why we are not always aware of our own processes and abilities to reflect. You may call it 'analysing', 'musing' 'in hindsight', 'when I think about it', 'I realised' etc. Reflection happens when you think about something that has happened or is happening outside of the actual situation. Reflection can be deep and philosophical or it can be simple and seem like going over a memory. It can even be somewhere in between the deep and the simple. The questions I want to pose today are 'Why do we reflect?' and 'What are the benefits or downfalls of reflection?'

Reflection is a vital part of counselling and therapy, for both the client and the therapist. Without it the work that is being done is blind. One cannot recognize the changes made, patterns identified or how or what journey has been taken to end up where you are in the present without reflecting on it. This is important, not only in therapy, but in life. We all know the saying 'learning from your mistakes'. In order to learn we must understand and in order to understand we must reflect. It is not just true of mistakes. We also need to reflect and understand what we do well and on our strengths in order to continue achieving success and living in a way that satisfies us and keeps us safe. This begins to answer the question of 'why we reflect'.

The benefits of reflection can be vast. We all process information in different ways and in different speeds. Some people think on their feet, others need time to formulate their thoughts before sharing them. When we become emotional (positive or negative emotions), our thinking changes and we think and react differently. If we are angry we often say things and act impulsively. This can be true too when we are frightened, feeling stressed, panicked, excited or overjoyed etc. We also gain influence from others or from the values and culture instilled in us. We are a product of learning and much of our character and way of experiencing the world is due to what we have learnt and the environment we have been raised in. We are individuals living in a society with other individuals. We are not perfect, nor should we have that expectation of ourselves. We do, however, have values, morals, standards and beliefs that influence our thinking and behaviour as well as our reactions to experiences. Now add emotions. We can't nor shouldn't control the way we feel, nor should we be ashamed of how we feel. Feelings are natural and fundamentally serve to help us and alert us to how we 'feel' about something. Reflection, therefore, assists us in learning about ourselves and helps us to find 'meaning' in our lives. It also helps us to make sense of our reactions and helps us to find the words to explain our feelings, reactions and needs.

For example, you may have felt wronged by someone and feel angry with that person. You do not want to walk away from the situation but you do want the person to realise they have angered you and you want them to understand why. You may also want them to understand so that they do not wrong you again. Unfortunately, many people do not automatically see their role in the wrongdoing in the same way you do. You may not realise it but when you spend time thinking about the problem, formulating conversations and responses in your head and looking at why this happened in the first place, that is reflection. Looking at things in hindsight and upon reflection can give you the time and space you need to make sense of a situation without the emotional closeness that 'being in the moment' entails. It allows you to look at things with a fresh perspective, perhaps after talking to others or after a distraction from the problem due to other life demands. Sometimes 'sleeping on it' can clear things up for you as this gives your subconscious a chance to process events.

 To have healthy reflection and for the benefits to be the greatest the focus must be on YOU. It is easy to fall into the trap of blame and it is easy to look at the role others have in your life. It is less easy to look at your own contributions to a situation, positive and negative. This is one of the biggest downfalls of reflection in my opinion. We seem to struggle to acknowledge our strengths in a situation, particularly if the situation has not been easy or does not have the outcome we had hoped for. We also seem to struggle to see our contributions when the situation is relational and someone else has hurt or angered us. It is so easy to blame someone and picture them as a villain with bad intentions. Sometimes they are villains and sometimes they deserve blame. The catch is though, that assigning blame and holding onto anger without reflecting on your own processes, expectations, strengths or values can be poisonous.  It is important to learn from experiences that effect you so that you may grow and let go of the negative thinking and self doubt. Reflecting in a way that focusses on YOU enables you to find confidence in your life and in how you react. It gives you the clarity to ask for what you need and protect against things and people that cause you harm.

When you focus on others and external things you can easily fall into the trap of getting stuck in a thinking pattern that causes stress and anxiety. Other people and external things in your life are often uncontrollable. No matter how much you try, you cannot change someone that does not want to be changed. You cannot change your past (recent or historical). You can riddle yourself in guilt, anger or shame until you are crippled with it, it wont change what happened. Reflecting on what should have been is only beneficial if you look at the past in a way that encompasses questions and curiosity without blame. So you blew up at your friend for something small, it happened. Look at why it happened first. What was going on for you at the time, why did you feel so angry, was it about the friend or something else? Once you have established the 'why' look at the present. What can you do about it NOW. What do you feel would be the best outcome for YOU? What do you need? Perhaps that friend has let you down in a way that really hurt you. Do you want to save the friendship? If so, what needs to change so that you feel better about it? How could you handle things better in the past so that you have more control over your reactions? The answers are there and it takes courage and reflection to listen to yourself and listen to your needs. You have choices and in order to make them you need to understand the context of the situation and your role in it. Most importantly though, you need to understand yourself in the situation and this is never easy. The harder you are on yourself, the harder it will be to gain the truth and listen to your needs.

Being conscious of how you think,
react and behave is the best place to start. Give yourself time and space to do this and open yourself up to healthy reflection. You are worth the trouble!

Be kind to yourself
XXX
Paula

Overwhelm is like Stress with a Twist

Lately I have been surrounded by overwhelm. In my personal life, with my clients and with people around me. It has got the cogs turning because it is not like your common anxiety or stress where we seem to fixate on certain things or events, stressful issues and such the like. Overwhelm is something quite chaotic and disorganised and seems to prevent any focus or control, despite being triggered by stressful events and issues in our lives.

The problem with being overwhelmed is that it seems to create an extreme loss of control with many people, thus perpetuating the feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Even the idea of asking for help may seem too much to bare as many people have no idea how to articulate their problems, focus on the main concerns or make sense of reactions. Have you ever felt as though you are just going to explode, want to scream, burst into tears, bang your head a few times? This is often the nasty side effect of being overwhelmed.

People feel overwhelmed in many different and diverse situations and for many different reasons. It can come about from the stress of your present life: too many tasks at work, bills to pay, kids to take care of, being time poor and unable to fit everything you would like to do into you day/week/month/year. Perhaps thinking of the future brings overwhelm: you see your dreams slipping away, the reality of your life does not match your desired hopes and goals, people you love may leave you, kids may grow up, jobs may end etc etc. There is also the past to worry about: unresolved issues rearing their heads in your present life, regrets, past hurt, failed relationships, mistakes or poor choices, anger you are unable to let go. Perhaps it is a bit of all of these things.

We have a saying in the West, 'if it doesn't rain it pours' and it is a well versed saying in many households when your fridge decides to break when you have just taken a loan out for a car. You have been struggling with relationship issues and get fired from your job. I know for myself, everything seems to run out at the same time, when I am at my most broke! The world is a stressful place and you do not need an anxiety disorder to feel the crippling effects of modern day life as people with past histories and future plans.

Unfortunately, when we get into a state of being extremely overwhelmed, this seems to be when we are least effective in problem solving. We struggle to create distance from our troubles and feelings and new stress keeps flooding in. We may even be taking on board the stress of the people around us, worrying about a world of things that are out of our control, pressured and strained from the things we need to get done and we become out of touch with our own needs. This is when people start to shut down and ignore their bodies, their impulses, their rationality and the offers for any form of help. It becomes a state of survival in my experience and can start to effect our ability to take care of ourselves and sometimes others. We often pick up illnesses during this time and I always say 'it is your body telling you to slow down'.

There may not be a way to ease the load you are bogged down with. This I am well aware of. So what do you do?

Think of an emergency room on a Saturday night. So many people are coming in with immediate concerns, injury's, instability and crisis. How do you help everyone with a limited amount of staff and resources? They call it 'Triage'. People are systematically put in a hierarchy of severity. It is understood that every person is important and every case is an emergency but within this realm there are cases that require a faster response than others. These systems sound cold, you may say. Wouldn't it be great if everyone could be helped upon arrival, given immediate care and priority. The same could be said about your own overwhelm, wouldn't it be ideal if you could address every one of your issues immediately and tackle each task simultaneously. For that you would need something short of super human powers - it is not possible to be superman!

We need to take a leaf out of the triage book and step aside from the chaos and our feelings for a minute. Create distance and clear our heads. In whatever way suits you, it is good to put things down objectively and out of your head and onto paper/chalk board/verbally/in a drawing or diagram. I like mind maps personally but that is simply my preference. I also use highlighters because my brain likes colour and finds it easier to separate and organise with different colours. Get all your worries, tasks and concerns and even your feelings if you would like, onto something you can visualise clearly. At this point the objective is not to do anything with them. Just get them out there and in a different format from thought (cognition). Our brains are amazing and we have so much coming in and being processed, it is not hard to see that we get caught up from time to time. Give your brain a break and use your other senses.

You may be surprised to see that problems that seem enormous in your head can fit neatly onto a corner of paper, in point form even. This in itself may be helpful because it allows you to 'forget' your troubles or 'to do list' a bit as it is down on paper (or somewhere) and you can go back to it later. This is a great thing to do on a Friday before you leave work, if you have things to catch up on the next week. Put them in a 'to do List' so that you may allow yourself to 'forget them' over the weekend. As you keep thinking of them, add them to the list or keep another list on you and leave the other one at work. It is a great feeling when you can start crossing things off the list too, but that is up to you :)

Once all your overwhelm is put down on paper etc, start the process of 'triage' and identify your most pressing issues and concerns. Be flexible, circumstances are always changing. If there are things you are worried about but have no control over, such as you mum having an operation the following week or you sent in an application for something and are awaiting results, acknowledge that these concerns are creating stress but there is nothing you can do about them right now. Work out what needs to be tackled first, what cannot be tackled by you, what are your responsibilities and most importantly, what are not. We are social creatures and this has many pro's but the downside is we care deeply about our loved ones or about other people as humans. If you work in my industry and listen to the problems of other people whilst developing relationships with people (even therapeutic ones), you are going to empathise with them and care about their lives. It is a very hard thing to step back and let people make mistakes, return to old habits that are more than likely going to have the same outcome, take risks that could be detrimental etc. It is hard not to feel sadness and pain for people, to feel angry on their behalf or to feel a sense of wanting to 'fix' things.

The bottom line is that we can only hold people's hands through their hardship. We are not nor should be responsible for other people's lives. We have responsibilities to them (particularly children). We can give people knowledge, tools, guidance, support and love, but we cannot control their lives or their perspectives. Everyone is different and that is a good thing. It is time to let go, cut yourself some slack and take the control back in your own lives. Once you have a clear idea of your
overwhelm, then you may start to have more of an idea of what you need and what change needs to occur. Don't beat yourself up about things that are out of your control or capability, you have a right to have limits, to feel what you feel and to say no to things that are too much for you. You also have skills and knowledge, you have survived this world your whole life, you are a fighter! It is normal to struggle from time to time, take action and create some distance so that there is space for other things that can bring you joy.

You can do it
XXXX
Paula

Dreams and Nightmares

I have been wanting to write a bit about dreams for a while but in all honesty, this topic is so vast and so interesting, I have been wondering how to do this blog justice.

I'll start by talking about my own passion for dreams and why I find this element of our existence so fascinating. When I lost my mother I was 17 years old. Unbeknownst to me at the time and despite what I truly believed, I was still very much a child in so many ways. It is that tricky age where you are developed enough to have reason and knowledge, but where most teenagers are lacking is emotional intelligence to an extent. I would have been unable to process the trauma that was inflicted on me and due to this overwhelm I seemed to be able to put it deep inside and carry on with things.

This sounds terrible and I had therapy for a year which always seemed to come back to my guilt about this reaction to losing the most important attachment figure in my life. Over the course of therapy I began to relay my dreams. I was going through typical grief processes during the dead of night, during my REM sleep, go figure! The brain is a marvellous organ isn't it. During my Honours year in Psychology I chose to do my thesis  on this very thing, using a narrative perspective and methodology (not analysing meaning like Freud would have, but looking at our world view and personal stories and how dreams have been influential in grief when losing a parent). I realised just how powerful dreams can be, not just for me, but for others, whilst doing my research and interviewing my sample of participant's.

When we are able to recall and interpret our own dreams, we are inherently learning a great deal about ourselves. Many people believe different things. Analysts may believe that dreams are a channel between our conscious and unconscious, depicting our drives, wishes and fears. Spiritual people may believe our dreams hold messages, omens, guidance, visitations from the dead or our ancestors. Jung believed that every person, object, feeling etc is a representation of a part of ourselves (very simplistically). Many people have seen or owned a dream book with various interpretations and meanings for different dream symbols (for example dreaming of death can mean a new beginning or change). Dreams have fascinated people for centuries and it is not hard to see why. The exciting fact: We all Dream! Not everyone is able to recall their dreams, this does not mean they are not dreaming.

So what happens when we experience nightmares? We know children commonly have nightmares but it is not unusual for adults to be woken up by the terror of a bad dream. It is impossible to box these nightmares into a neat category because there are many different reasons why adults may experience nightmares. The obvious reason that most people are aware of is trauma. When something traumatic has happened to you or someone close to you it is not uncommon to relive this event in your dreams, play out different scenario's (what could have happened), relive the fear, anger, remorse etc etc. This is one of the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and can be crippling when these nightmares are recurring. A common reason for nightmares however, is stress and anxiety. Our brains are attempting to organise feelings, information, experience and thoughts and some believe that this is done in the form of a story - in order for us to make sense of this information.

Please note: Other reasons for nightmares could be a reaction to medication and if you have started a new medication and are suffering from persistent nightmares, it is always a good idea to chat to your GP about this. Also, if your nightmares are regular and have started to have an effect on your daily functioning and you are finding you are struggling from lack of sleep, anxiety or you have found you are unable to separate your dreams from reality on a regular basis, please also chat to your GP about what steps to take to get some help for this. There are many treatments available to help you.

My message today is about 'paying attention'. Our conscious state and awareness is often described as the tip of the iceberg in regards to what is going on underneath the surface. We are constantly being flooded with information, influences, stimulation, reactions and all those things that make us social beings who are a part of a culture and society. The down side is that our organic experiences, the ones that are true to how we really feel, uninfluenced by others, are often so stifled that we are unaware of them altogether. Dreams allow us a forum to be, feel, act, think and interact in ways that are unburdened by boundaries and social structure. Our dreams are gateways to our inner processes in my belief and nightmares can be the same.

If you are struggling to recall your dreams it may be a good idea to start consciously making an effort to remember them. A common tip for this is to keep a journal next to your bed and to jot down feelings and thoughts the minute you wake up. Even leaving it for a few minutes may make you forget (it is incredible how quickly the details can leave you). If you are able to recall the dream, write it down immediately or speak it out loud. In other words, consciously put it in your memory bank. The next step is to attempt to find meaning and make sense of your dream/nightmare. There are so many different ways to do this and it is your choice as an individual to decide what works for you.

 For me, I focus on the lingering feelings of the dream. Often I am left wondering why certain people are in my dream, why something so mundane is having such an effect on me or why the dream made so much sense at the time but when thinking about it, nothing really seems to tie in. It is in these moments of confusion that I turn from the story and characters so to speak and check in with my own experience as I am recalling the dream. Was I afraid, angry, hurt, sad, peaceful, panicked, joyous, hopeful....? Once I have found feeling that fit for me, I start to think through what the relevance of other elements of the dream may mean. Last night I had a nightmare where I was walking a long the usual route I take my dog and I overheard a brutal murder, torture in fact, of a young woman. In the dream I knew what was happening despite not seeing any of this happening. I knew I needed to get away quickly and call the police but I was absolutely terrified that I had been seen and would be captured and the same would happen to me. Needless to say I woke with a start and could not shake the fear or the imagery. My own method for dealing with this is to try and allow this whole thing to play out but with the outcome I consciously choose (doesn't always work but it helps more than trying to think of other things when your brain feels so engrossed with the nightmare).

I worked out that the feeling that stood out for me the most was fear. I have managed to relate this to areas of my life as well as think about the amount of crime novels and TV programmes I have been watching lately (I go through phases). My actual fear is not about being tortured of course, but perhaps looking at some of the themes of the story may be helpful. Freedom, free will, self sacrifice or lack their of in my case in this dream, moral obligation, survival (you get the drift). Once you see themes that feel right starting to emerge, you are then able to ask yourself some questions like 'are there any other areas of my life where I have felt like I have to put my self first to survive, or am I feeling like my freedom is limited, do I need space?' For me I am struggling with the dark side of humanity - an occupational hazard I suppose - people are not always what they seem. So there are many interpretations and the process of listening to yourself, questioning your own processes and finding resolutions that fit for you may aid you in whatever life journey you are currently on. Dreams help us to find meaning, to understand ourselves and to organise information. They allow us to explore without limits and learn and grow!

I urge you all to make use of this tool, to listen and to love!

Sweet dreams XXX
Paula

How important is our profession?

I have just joined LinkedIn and I must say I am having fun with it! What I love seeing is how positive everyone is about themselves and the differing lines of work people have chosen. I am no fool, of course everyone is positive, this is an online CV and professional networking site after all! But it lulls one into a false sense of security, as you notch up all the 'wonderful' things you are capable of, the amazing experience you have gained, the great characteristics and skills you have to offer, you are forced into being really complimentary about yourself :)

But, like any external gratification, it is often not a true reflection of how you really feel about yourself...which is sad I think. Unless you have manipulated the truth somewhat, most of the things we put in CV's are true. Why then, is it so very hard to give ourselves a big pat on the back?

As I am launched into the crazy, demoralising world of job seeking (yet again), I feel less and less positive about myself. Each rejection letter cuts a blow with the words 'thank you for your recent application but unfortunately....'. The worst part is when they tell you you do not have enough experience! Of course I don't, I have spent 6 years studying and heaps of volunteer work to become a professional! Rant over. I have started to reflect on this stressful time I am gong through and it has made me think about the idea of 'meaning and purpose' and how much we rely on our status, our profession, our income etc in order to determine how we feel about ourselves and others.

When you meet someone for the first time, give it 10 minutes and you are asked or do the asking 'so, what is it you do?' This can give chills down the spine of the unemployed! It can also give people a really good starting point for conversation, a peep hole into the world of the other and an idea as to what type of people they are (dare I say it). This brings me to the point of this topic of 'how important is our profession?' We seem to define success with what we do rather than who we are. When trying to sell yourself to potential employers we mask the uncertainty and attempt to appear self assured, driven, ambitious, reliable etc etc, the list goes on. When we get the sack, rejected in some way, told off, pressured, criticised and put down in the work place, it very seldom feels like 'water off a duck's back', we take it personally. I have read many articles on bullying in the workplace and how many people are so reliant on their jobs due to the precarious market, that they persevere, bite tongues and push forward. The result: illness. So many people are having breakdowns, suffering from stress, back ache, low self esteem and depression and on the extreme, heart problems and high blood pressure. 

Feminists have been fighting for house wives to be given the same respect as professionals. Why are people still ashamed of staying at home and looking after their children, the house and other non-career orientated things? Why do we feel so shaken when we are unable to find work (and I don't mean on a purely financial level)? What are these aspects of professional life that make certain people better than others, men better than women?

All I know is that we all need to feel needed and purposeful. On my side I would add that I need to feel independent and self sufficient. I want people to know that I have worked hard and the status of 'unemployed' does not seem to reflect me correctly. Something is skewed in this perspective, I know that much. There are so many areas of life at which to excel and make a difference. That older person you had a chat to while walking the dog, perhaps you made their day. The compliment you paid to a friend, perhaps you got them out of a really miserable mood. The lesson you taught your child, perhaps it will define something really huge in their lives one day. You just never know and one thing I do know, we all have our successes!

 Perhaps next time you are putting together your CV or writing a cover letter or talking yourself up in an interview, give yourself a pat on the back. You are more than job experience and fancy titles, you are a well rounded person with many complex aspects that make up who you are. You have been influential to many people, even some you don't know. You have more than your profession to offer and although we all need money to survive, it is important to make the most out of our unique gifts. Be pro-active and take the bull by the horns, your biggest advocate is you!

Best of luck

Paula XXXX

Stress! How do you get a handle on it?

Stress is such a society friendly word isn't it? I mean, there is no shame in saying it, whatever age you are and whatever sex you are, we all seem to get 'stressed'. So why is it so very hard to just 'stress-less?'

Let me start by chatting a bit about stress a bit. We tend to use it when we are feeling things such as 'overwhelmed, frustrated, panicked, pressured, annoyed, and confused'. We may also start using it when we start getting illnesses or pain that cannot be explained away by tests and doctors, such as upset tummies, back ache, headaches, skin irritations and rashes, insomnia or sleep disturbances and changes in diet or appetite.

Stress is used to tell someone to calm down and don't worry "Don't stress, we can make another plan" or "No worries, thanks anyway". It is used to highlight a point "I would like to stress the importance of xyz". It is used in such a variety of ways and by such a wide amount of people that it is no wonder we often feel bogged down by stress and silently suffer symptoms that may be worse than the society friendly label suggests. So am I asking you to become stressed about your stress, absolutely not. I want to open the doors to a deeper understanding of how you cope with stress, how you experience it and I will offer a few of my own stress busting strategies at the end.

Lets take a closer look at you and your life.
How do you cope with the challenges life seems to throw your way?
How many of you have found that your stress comes and goes, some days you feel better equipped to deal with stress than others?
How many of you have started to feel stressed for 'no reason'?
How many of you tend to be alerted to your stress when you put your neck out or you start to get nausea and stomach troubles?
How many times do we start blaming things or people around us because we 'just don't need this right now!'?

We all experience our stress in different ways, unique to our own way of life and coping style. Stress can often be misleading and perhaps what you have been experiencing may very well be anxiety. But without throwing labels around and self diagnosing yourself (not a good idea), ask yourself what area's are the most challenging for you. Do you have trouble with thoughts that seem to endlessly go around and around in your head? Do you find you are always worrying about something? Have you been really hard on yourself lately? Check in with your body, does anything stand out, any pain, discomfort, tightness, etc? How have you been sleeping lately? When was the last time you did something enjoyable? How have you made it through when you have been struggling? If you are aware of your stress, lets break that down, what is it that makes you aware of your own stress? What was it that alerted you?
We tend to say that we are stressed without really thinking about it. Perhaps being overworked, lacking patience and having deadlines is simply a neon light of stress warnings for you, but it is more than that. Think about it.....
For me, I tend to have a very short fuse and get annoyed very easily. I seem to worry about so many things that are completely out of my control. I am often very emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat (sad adverts, a moving song, a TV show etc). I get horrible back pain and neck pain and my hands flair up with eczema. I can usually fall asleep but find I wake up a lot during the night and toss and turn in the early hours of the morning. I get really fatigued and run down and when it gets bad, I get stomach troubles. As life needs to go on, I often forget to notice all these symptoms until I feel completely overwhelmed by them and by this stage I feel quite helpless and get really annoyed and angry with the whole situation. Any of this sound familiar? I urge you to think about your own paragraph here :)

Once you start having more of a handle on your own symptoms of stress, of your problem areas and of your coping style (because yes, you have actually been coping, even if it doesn't feel like it), you are able to realise that you have a particular way of dealing with stress and it is up to you whether it is working for you or not, or if some of it is working but there are areas you would like to change or improve. The body is a very clever creation and believe it or not, is acting in a protective way towards you. When we do not listen to our own inner needs, when we don't slow down and take care of our selves, our bodies seem to start forcing us to do that. We get ill, feel pain, get fatigued, throw up etc, and the common element here is that with all these symptoms, you are forced to pay attention. In many cases you are forced to physically slow down and rest. How many of us, however, pop some pills and push on anyway (I myself am guilty of this)?

Lets get pro-active instead of becoming inactive!

Stress and anxiety is not unlike fear in many ways. Both fear and stress accelerate your heart rate in a response to adrenalin or the fight or flight response many of you will have heard of. As your heart rate increases, your body goes into survival mode and starts to react in ways that inherently are built to protect you. The big trick here sounds so very simplistic but it is to slow that heart rate right down and relax the nervous system.
HOW you may ask? When you are in the midst of your stress, at work, looking after the kids, running errands, cleaning the house, being a friend, cooking dinner, planning for the future, struggling financially, job hunting....you name it, we have a lot to be stressful about in this fast paced, rather difficult world we live in. It is not always realistic to go on a spa retreat, take a tropical holiday or get a full body massage!
My strategy is to work with your breath. When you hear the old tip of taking ten deep breathes, it is not all a bunch of rubbish. There is huge merit in this technique. There are many different ways to work with your breath and it is about finding the method that works for you. The basic principle is mindfulness. Getting your head out of your worrying, rumination of thoughts and fears and into the present. Finding that relationship with your body and taking steps to slow down that heart rate and calm that nervous system.

This can be as simple as doing a small meditation where you sit or lie comfortably, close your eyes if you want to and take some deep, long breathes where you imagine the air coming into your body and as you release your breath, you imagine a releasing of stress and emotion. I like to imagine sending breath to different areas of my body, such as my back or neck when it is sore, or my tummy when it is upset. Yoga is a great way of working with your breath as well as incorporating stretches that open up your chest, groin, back etc and strengthen your core.

Listen to Bob Marley! perhaps my favourite strategy to suggest because it is just so do-able! The beat of this reggae is similar to the beat of a slow, calm heart. Pop some Bob on in the car or on your phone to have easy access and focus on the music for a while. Let the music get that heart beat of yours to slow down :)

Exercise. This releases endorphins, gets you in the moment, works with your breath and gets that blood flowing. Hard to worry about things when you are playing sport, working up a sweat or trying to breathe! There is more and more research being done on the benefits of exercise, particularly with depression and anxiety! It's not all about looking good at the beach!

Do something that makes you happy, at the very least once a week!

Start a journal or start sketching/drawing/painting. Try this as free association, working with whatever comes to mind in the moment. You may surprise yourself with what crops up and it is a great way to learn about your inner self as well as to release some pent up stress! You don't need to be an artist or an author, this is just for you!

Talk about it! Lets support each other and ask for support ourselves. So many people battle with stress and anxiety, it is not something that needs to be kept in the dark. Lets share our methods, tools, experiences and help each other to feel less overwhelmed and more hopeful!

Eat for health! Give your body lots of fuel to cope with the day! Make super foods your friend and start getting creative with food! My favourite new additions at the moment are ginger and ground up linseed! Taking care of the basics, the physiological needs, is vital for good mental health!

And lastly, if you find you are not coping, nothing is working and you need some help, be proactive in this area too. There are many great therapies and treatments out there to help you. It is always helpful to ask yourself what type of help you are needing when choosing a form of therapy. I am happy to give some examples and options if anyone would like to send me a message or comment (here or on my Facebook page www.facebook.com/counsellingcounsel).

Hope this helps
Paula