Overreacting? Perhaps it may be transference.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel as if you may explode with anger, frustration and emotion all at the same time? I have recently experienced this and have managed to figure out a few things which I thought would inspire a blog on the topic of transference.

Anyone who has studied any field in the mental health profession will be good friends with this term. Transference has been around in my industry since the days of Freud and I will attempt to give a brief explanation of what it is before I go on. In simplistic terms transference happens when you react to something in your life based not on the incident itself but on things that are being triggered off for you from your past. This is not a conscious process and the emotion you feel towards the current situation can feel very relevant to that particular situation. I may not be making much sense so here is an example I have made up:
Say you get into a fight with your partner because they have not been approving of your choice of outfit. For someone with no emotional connection it may not be a big deal at all, in fact some may even laugh it off. But imagine that as a child your mother would criticise everything you wore and call you fat and ugly. You spend your life trying to gain your mother's approval, trying to better yourself and become preoccupied with how you look. So when your partner says that outfit doesn't look great, you absolutely explode. After the rage you find yourself feeling extremely upset and hurt and can't seem to let it go.

At the time it may feel like a completely valid reaction, the anger is there and so is the hurt. Y
ou value your partners' opinion and feel horrible about the situation. In time however you may start to question why it all feels so intense and wonder why you are unable to move on from it. As I mentioned the past with your mother, it is easy to make the connection that this is stemming from the experiences you had with her and your partner has triggered the past hurt and anger you previously experienced.

Life is not all neat and tidy and transparent however, and it is not always easy to recognise transference (even as therapists - with ourselves and for our clients). I want to share a valuable lesson I learnt whilst doing my placement. I had a very wise supervisor and this is one of my most treasured and most used lessons:

We all react in one way or another to situations. Even the feeling of not caring is a reaction. To be moved or influenced by someone is normal. I will often feel things for my clients such as sadness for their situation, pain for them, anger towards people who have wronged them, compassion, intrigue, frustration etc. A certain amount of these emotions are good and are what make me empathic and human. It is when we have extreme reactions that we need to start paying attention to our own transference and processes. Extremes on both sides, either we react really strongly and are more than moved by something, it effects us; or conversely we are not moved at all and may be bored, complacent, numb or such the like. My supervisor pointed out to me that these extreme reactions are often not about the other person at all but rather about something being triggered off within me - transference. Thus by paying attention to the level of reaction towards something we experience, we are able to recognise our own triggers and start to think about where they are coming from.

Why am I telling you this you may wonder? 

You may just find yourself in a situation where you feel almost combustive with emotion and instead of being able to calm down, you just get more and more worked up. It is in these moments where I urge you to start looking within and asking yourself some questions. In my own situation, after a day of what felt like extreme anxiety and negativity, it took recognising that this was a case of transference but having to sleep on it and perhaps dream (I suspect that is what happened although I do not recall the dream at all) or reflect on it, for the answers to come. Often when the answer feels right there is a sense of relief. Many people, myself included, experience this in a very physical and real way, even if it is fleeting. As counsellors we are taught in certain therapy frameworks to look out for this sign of relief and help the client to recognise that they have tapped into something meaningful. In my own situation I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted and as I told my partner about the experience and the tears and emotion was able to flow freely, I was able to find relief and understanding and move on from my extreme reaction.

Unfortunately recognising and exploring transference can be difficult and even painful. It is important to be patient and kind to yourself. I find it is really helpful to explore with someone else, muse out loud or write things down. Move out of your head and into your experiencing and body so to speak. Pay attention to how you are feeling and look at yourself with curiosity and compassion. We all have our demons and skeletons and need to navigate through them sometimes. Awareness brings about more control and understanding.

Happy sailing :)
XX
Paula