When I 'listen to my gut' am I really listening to the internalised voices of my past?

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to family patterns and how much we are influenced by our upbringing. The 'nature/nurture' argument has been around for decades but this particular concept often gets my cogs turning.

Sometimes, as I watch all my peers start having kids of their own, I feel a bit frightened for them. The reason for this is because I often still feel like I don't know nearly enough to feel prepared for the responsibility of caring for another little human being. Somewhere along the line (and I have noticed much of this happens a bit after the birth, not immediately) instincts kick in and new mothers seem to have a deeper knowing when it comes to their children. Where does this come from?

The black and white answer can be that you learn how to be a mum (or dad) throughout your life. You learn from all of your own experiences, primarily from your own parental figures. Other influences include modelling other significant relationships, learning from teachers, coaches and tutors, learning from your peers and learning through play. Another viewpoint can be looking at the nature side of things and ones instincts. Humans have very little instincts when compared to our animal folk. Much of our behaviour is learned. Many of us are being signalled by our 'instincts' regularly but do not pay attention. The saying 'trust your gut' is a good example of this. But is 'your gut' really just an amalgamation of all the voices of your past, namely your parents, that have been internalised over the years?

In phenomenology or experiential psychology, Ernest Spinelli* explains that we are all unique individuals who may share common experiences, but our perception and experience of these common experiences will differ between each individual. The reason for this is the 'meaning' we place on that experience. This meaning is influenced by all the different experiences in our lives such as our upbringing, values, principles, past experience, culture, religion, education, personality type etc etc. So if we think of how everything in our life is influenced by the meaning we create due to our past experiences, parenthood should be no different right? That can be a very frightening concept for some people. Many people are terrified of passing on negative legacy's left by their own parents, and sadly, many people do continue to pass this on.

It is not uncommon for people who suffered the hands of abuse to go on to becoming abusers themselves. I do not have any solid answer for this, nor will I attempt to stereotype and generalise. What I am intending to highlight is the power 'nurture' seems to have, even over 'nature' in some instances. Let me give an example: A child that has been put down, criticised and neglected growing up will often find it very difficult to believe in themself. The voices of primary attachment figures have become embedded in this child and after years of conditioning and being led to believe they are not worthy, intelligent or special, the child will grow up and believe those voices to be their own. It can often take a lot of therapeutic work to undo this pattern of thinking and to differentiate the persons' own self from the conditioning others have placed on them. It is no wonder that when someone has been shown abuse instead of encouragement and love, it is not easy for that person to learn how to show encouragement and love themselves.

I want to be clear that I do not mean impossible when I say 'not easy'. Sometimes our bad experiences show us how we do NOT want to behave or live. In psychology they may use the terms 'repeat or resist' when it comes to our parental influences. As individuals we have a choice, we can simulate behaviours as we have learnt them or we can resist them and change or break the patterns. Resisting and changing patterns can create a lot of conflict and can make people feel very unstable. Sometimes we need other people to help us, to reassure us and to validate our decisions so as to feel less alone. I say less alone because when we resist our familial patterns we are often challenging our values and our world view as we knew them, taking us away from that sense of belonging. Many people who have been abused will have unresolved issues/hurt/pain/anger etc and this can make one feel very out of control, particularly when it comes to personal choices and what I have been referring to as 'resistance'.

Breaking patterns and creating change happens best when we are aware of our patterns and of ourselves (as much as possible). Referring to phenomenology again, in regards to making any decision, the best way to secure the best possible outcome is to put all the cards on the table, giving each card equal footing. Once you have all your cards (elements of the problem) in front of you and you are able to look at the problem from all angles, the answer can then be seen more clearly. In other words, in order for you to break a cycle or a pattern, you need to understand the cycle and the pattern as it stands, from all angles. You may be afraid that you will become violent and abusive like your father and feel this is something you have no control over. The truth is, you may, but you have the choice not to. You may need to open up some old wounds in order for you to understand your past experiences and the present fears, but once you start to separate the abuse from who you are as an individual, to realise that you do have a choice and control, that is when you are able to allow change to occur. The choice lies in your actions now, in the present and in your own motivation to be who you would like to be. The 'nature' side of you, the essence of you is not fundamentally bad. No one is born evil, no one is a bad seed! We are shaped by our nurturing, our environment and by our need to survive. We cannot change our experiences but we CAN change our reactions to them. Sometimes it just takes a bit of work.

I like to believe that 'my gut' is a mixture of my instincts and my upbringing. As a counsellor I am learning to value the power of listening to my body, listening to those voices, to those feelings that creep in unexpectedly, to those waves of emotion that come out of the blue. often, when I pay attention, I am given many clues about a particular situation and once or twice my instincts have kept me safe. My message today is to listen to your gut and if something does not feel right, pay attention :) You can break those cycles if you so wish to :)

XXX
Paula

*Spinelli, E. (2005). The Interpreted World: an introduction to phenomenological psychology (2nd Ed).

        SAGE Publications: London, UK.