Why is 'change' just so damn hard?!

What is it about the word ‘change’ that seems to provoke anxiety in the very strongest of us humans? Good or bad, the very nature of change can create a whirlwind of experiencing in us, often in a very difficult way.

I use the word ‘change’ quite loosely of course, but truth be told, even the smallest elements of change can create huge and influential effects. Take growing older for instance. This is not some cataclysmic shock, it is not a devastation or natural disaster and it is not something anyone one of us can avoid. It is one of the few things society can label ‘normal’. We all age, every year, every day, every second. The process of aging differs in each of us on a micro level but on a macro level, we all run through the hands of time, maturing physically and biologically, developing, growing, wrinkling and evolving. But during the differing life stages, the change can feel enormous and there is a  certain amount of hardship as we say goodbye to each phase and hello to the new one.

This gets me thinking about something my supervisor on my counselling placement taught me in regards to decisions making. Many clients came to see me due to an inability to commit to a decision. I couldn’t quite grasp how living in this limbo was the chosen path, keeping a foot in both doors, keeping both options open but reaping the benefits of neither...we all do it, myself included, what is the gain? The words of wisdom: To make a decision means a severing of another. Powerful stuff, let me break it down further. When we make a decision, chose a meal, pick a partner, take a path, choose particular words, we are inherently shutting off various other options. It is this ‘severing’ of options which can leave us in doubt, fearing the wrong decisions, fearing regret, error, remorse etc. Decisions are an element of change, we commit to a choice at the sacrifice of other choices so to speak...not easy. Change is similar I believe. When we make changes, however small, we are severing a part of ourselves in a way, we are abandoning the familiar and heading into the unknown.

Sometimes change is thrust upon us in a way that is traumatic. Death is one of those things, either to others or our own mortality. The greater the personal the loss, the more resistant to change we seem to become. Looking at aging again as this ties in with the idea of our own mortality, how many of you have felt saddened at the loss of your childhood innocence? I often look back at the times of blissful ignorance and wonder if I was better off just not knowing the realities of the world. I think about how I used to play, how I used to get excited, how I used to dream and I feel a great deal of loss that this time in my life will never be repeated. Change is not just about external circumstances and occurrences’ that happen to you, the most difficult changes are often the ones that happen under the conscious, within us and on levels we can only muse about. Sometimes you can look back and realise your beliefs have evolved, your values have changed, your thoughts are different and your needs have varied. When we do not embrace our internal changes and most importantly our evolving needs, how are we supposed to adapt and get our needs met? If we continue to remain in our old habits and routines, asking for the same type of help, soothing ourselves in the same way, seeking people out that help us in the same ways, we are ignoring and resisting our own evolution and conflicts may start to arise within us.

Something many people may have heard is:

You cannot change the past but you CAN change your reactions and attitude towards it.

Change can be so traumatic and difficult that people can become ill, develop disorders such as adjustment disorder, depression, anxiety etc. People can miss opportunities, shut themselves off, have sleep disturbances, fail to progress towards their potential and a variety of other examples in this resistance to change. We all deal with change is our own ways but I think most people will agree that whatever the way, it is never easy. Something as natural and unavoidable as change is one of the most powerful elements of life in my opinion. It can have the power to make or break you and we have very little control over much of it (and it’s outcomes). The best we can do is become aware of ourselves. Learn to recognise how you handle change and how you have been changing over your life. Learn to find the inner strength to cope, creating ways to feel a sense of security and safety that is relevant to you. One thing I am trying to do for myself is to seek out the real me. The part of me that has been at the core throughout my life, my essence or character if you will. This, I believe is something that evolves and is influenced on one level but at the organic level it is me, my soul, my foundation, my epicentre so to speak. I am learning to ground myself in the present, to be with myself in the here and now and to separate all my over thinking from my actual experiencing. This is a work in progress but I like to believe that in this ever changing world, the essence of me will always be just that...ME J