Overreacting? Perhaps it may be transference.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel as if you may explode with anger, frustration and emotion all at the same time? I have recently experienced this and have managed to figure out a few things which I thought would inspire a blog on the topic of transference.

Anyone who has studied any field in the mental health profession will be good friends with this term. Transference has been around in my industry since the days of Freud and I will attempt to give a brief explanation of what it is before I go on. In simplistic terms transference happens when you react to something in your life based not on the incident itself but on things that are being triggered off for you from your past. This is not a conscious process and the emotion you feel towards the current situation can feel very relevant to that particular situation. I may not be making much sense so here is an example I have made up:
Say you get into a fight with your partner because they have not been approving of your choice of outfit. For someone with no emotional connection it may not be a big deal at all, in fact some may even laugh it off. But imagine that as a child your mother would criticise everything you wore and call you fat and ugly. You spend your life trying to gain your mother's approval, trying to better yourself and become preoccupied with how you look. So when your partner says that outfit doesn't look great, you absolutely explode. After the rage you find yourself feeling extremely upset and hurt and can't seem to let it go.

At the time it may feel like a completely valid reaction, the anger is there and so is the hurt. Y
ou value your partners' opinion and feel horrible about the situation. In time however you may start to question why it all feels so intense and wonder why you are unable to move on from it. As I mentioned the past with your mother, it is easy to make the connection that this is stemming from the experiences you had with her and your partner has triggered the past hurt and anger you previously experienced.

Life is not all neat and tidy and transparent however, and it is not always easy to recognise transference (even as therapists - with ourselves and for our clients). I want to share a valuable lesson I learnt whilst doing my placement. I had a very wise supervisor and this is one of my most treasured and most used lessons:

We all react in one way or another to situations. Even the feeling of not caring is a reaction. To be moved or influenced by someone is normal. I will often feel things for my clients such as sadness for their situation, pain for them, anger towards people who have wronged them, compassion, intrigue, frustration etc. A certain amount of these emotions are good and are what make me empathic and human. It is when we have extreme reactions that we need to start paying attention to our own transference and processes. Extremes on both sides, either we react really strongly and are more than moved by something, it effects us; or conversely we are not moved at all and may be bored, complacent, numb or such the like. My supervisor pointed out to me that these extreme reactions are often not about the other person at all but rather about something being triggered off within me - transference. Thus by paying attention to the level of reaction towards something we experience, we are able to recognise our own triggers and start to think about where they are coming from.

Why am I telling you this you may wonder? 

You may just find yourself in a situation where you feel almost combustive with emotion and instead of being able to calm down, you just get more and more worked up. It is in these moments where I urge you to start looking within and asking yourself some questions. In my own situation, after a day of what felt like extreme anxiety and negativity, it took recognising that this was a case of transference but having to sleep on it and perhaps dream (I suspect that is what happened although I do not recall the dream at all) or reflect on it, for the answers to come. Often when the answer feels right there is a sense of relief. Many people, myself included, experience this in a very physical and real way, even if it is fleeting. As counsellors we are taught in certain therapy frameworks to look out for this sign of relief and help the client to recognise that they have tapped into something meaningful. In my own situation I felt as if a giant weight had been lifted and as I told my partner about the experience and the tears and emotion was able to flow freely, I was able to find relief and understanding and move on from my extreme reaction.

Unfortunately recognising and exploring transference can be difficult and even painful. It is important to be patient and kind to yourself. I find it is really helpful to explore with someone else, muse out loud or write things down. Move out of your head and into your experiencing and body so to speak. Pay attention to how you are feeling and look at yourself with curiosity and compassion. We all have our demons and skeletons and need to navigate through them sometimes. Awareness brings about more control and understanding.

Happy sailing :)
XX
Paula

When I 'listen to my gut' am I really listening to the internalised voices of my past?

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to family patterns and how much we are influenced by our upbringing. The 'nature/nurture' argument has been around for decades but this particular concept often gets my cogs turning.

Sometimes, as I watch all my peers start having kids of their own, I feel a bit frightened for them. The reason for this is because I often still feel like I don't know nearly enough to feel prepared for the responsibility of caring for another little human being. Somewhere along the line (and I have noticed much of this happens a bit after the birth, not immediately) instincts kick in and new mothers seem to have a deeper knowing when it comes to their children. Where does this come from?

The black and white answer can be that you learn how to be a mum (or dad) throughout your life. You learn from all of your own experiences, primarily from your own parental figures. Other influences include modelling other significant relationships, learning from teachers, coaches and tutors, learning from your peers and learning through play. Another viewpoint can be looking at the nature side of things and ones instincts. Humans have very little instincts when compared to our animal folk. Much of our behaviour is learned. Many of us are being signalled by our 'instincts' regularly but do not pay attention. The saying 'trust your gut' is a good example of this. But is 'your gut' really just an amalgamation of all the voices of your past, namely your parents, that have been internalised over the years?

In phenomenology or experiential psychology, Ernest Spinelli* explains that we are all unique individuals who may share common experiences, but our perception and experience of these common experiences will differ between each individual. The reason for this is the 'meaning' we place on that experience. This meaning is influenced by all the different experiences in our lives such as our upbringing, values, principles, past experience, culture, religion, education, personality type etc etc. So if we think of how everything in our life is influenced by the meaning we create due to our past experiences, parenthood should be no different right? That can be a very frightening concept for some people. Many people are terrified of passing on negative legacy's left by their own parents, and sadly, many people do continue to pass this on.

It is not uncommon for people who suffered the hands of abuse to go on to becoming abusers themselves. I do not have any solid answer for this, nor will I attempt to stereotype and generalise. What I am intending to highlight is the power 'nurture' seems to have, even over 'nature' in some instances. Let me give an example: A child that has been put down, criticised and neglected growing up will often find it very difficult to believe in themself. The voices of primary attachment figures have become embedded in this child and after years of conditioning and being led to believe they are not worthy, intelligent or special, the child will grow up and believe those voices to be their own. It can often take a lot of therapeutic work to undo this pattern of thinking and to differentiate the persons' own self from the conditioning others have placed on them. It is no wonder that when someone has been shown abuse instead of encouragement and love, it is not easy for that person to learn how to show encouragement and love themselves.

I want to be clear that I do not mean impossible when I say 'not easy'. Sometimes our bad experiences show us how we do NOT want to behave or live. In psychology they may use the terms 'repeat or resist' when it comes to our parental influences. As individuals we have a choice, we can simulate behaviours as we have learnt them or we can resist them and change or break the patterns. Resisting and changing patterns can create a lot of conflict and can make people feel very unstable. Sometimes we need other people to help us, to reassure us and to validate our decisions so as to feel less alone. I say less alone because when we resist our familial patterns we are often challenging our values and our world view as we knew them, taking us away from that sense of belonging. Many people who have been abused will have unresolved issues/hurt/pain/anger etc and this can make one feel very out of control, particularly when it comes to personal choices and what I have been referring to as 'resistance'.

Breaking patterns and creating change happens best when we are aware of our patterns and of ourselves (as much as possible). Referring to phenomenology again, in regards to making any decision, the best way to secure the best possible outcome is to put all the cards on the table, giving each card equal footing. Once you have all your cards (elements of the problem) in front of you and you are able to look at the problem from all angles, the answer can then be seen more clearly. In other words, in order for you to break a cycle or a pattern, you need to understand the cycle and the pattern as it stands, from all angles. You may be afraid that you will become violent and abusive like your father and feel this is something you have no control over. The truth is, you may, but you have the choice not to. You may need to open up some old wounds in order for you to understand your past experiences and the present fears, but once you start to separate the abuse from who you are as an individual, to realise that you do have a choice and control, that is when you are able to allow change to occur. The choice lies in your actions now, in the present and in your own motivation to be who you would like to be. The 'nature' side of you, the essence of you is not fundamentally bad. No one is born evil, no one is a bad seed! We are shaped by our nurturing, our environment and by our need to survive. We cannot change our experiences but we CAN change our reactions to them. Sometimes it just takes a bit of work.

I like to believe that 'my gut' is a mixture of my instincts and my upbringing. As a counsellor I am learning to value the power of listening to my body, listening to those voices, to those feelings that creep in unexpectedly, to those waves of emotion that come out of the blue. often, when I pay attention, I am given many clues about a particular situation and once or twice my instincts have kept me safe. My message today is to listen to your gut and if something does not feel right, pay attention :) You can break those cycles if you so wish to :)

XXX
Paula

*Spinelli, E. (2005). The Interpreted World: an introduction to phenomenological psychology (2nd Ed).

        SAGE Publications: London, UK.

How important is our profession?

I have just joined LinkedIn and I must say I am having fun with it! What I love seeing is how positive everyone is about themselves and the differing lines of work people have chosen. I am no fool, of course everyone is positive, this is an online CV and professional networking site after all! But it lulls one into a false sense of security, as you notch up all the 'wonderful' things you are capable of, the amazing experience you have gained, the great characteristics and skills you have to offer, you are forced into being really complimentary about yourself :)

But, like any external gratification, it is often not a true reflection of how you really feel about yourself...which is sad I think. Unless you have manipulated the truth somewhat, most of the things we put in CV's are true. Why then, is it so very hard to give ourselves a big pat on the back?

As I am launched into the crazy, demoralising world of job seeking (yet again), I feel less and less positive about myself. Each rejection letter cuts a blow with the words 'thank you for your recent application but unfortunately....'. The worst part is when they tell you you do not have enough experience! Of course I don't, I have spent 6 years studying and heaps of volunteer work to become a professional! Rant over. I have started to reflect on this stressful time I am gong through and it has made me think about the idea of 'meaning and purpose' and how much we rely on our status, our profession, our income etc in order to determine how we feel about ourselves and others.

When you meet someone for the first time, give it 10 minutes and you are asked or do the asking 'so, what is it you do?' This can give chills down the spine of the unemployed! It can also give people a really good starting point for conversation, a peep hole into the world of the other and an idea as to what type of people they are (dare I say it). This brings me to the point of this topic of 'how important is our profession?' We seem to define success with what we do rather than who we are. When trying to sell yourself to potential employers we mask the uncertainty and attempt to appear self assured, driven, ambitious, reliable etc etc, the list goes on. When we get the sack, rejected in some way, told off, pressured, criticised and put down in the work place, it very seldom feels like 'water off a duck's back', we take it personally. I have read many articles on bullying in the workplace and how many people are so reliant on their jobs due to the precarious market, that they persevere, bite tongues and push forward. The result: illness. So many people are having breakdowns, suffering from stress, back ache, low self esteem and depression and on the extreme, heart problems and high blood pressure. 

Feminists have been fighting for house wives to be given the same respect as professionals. Why are people still ashamed of staying at home and looking after their children, the house and other non-career orientated things? Why do we feel so shaken when we are unable to find work (and I don't mean on a purely financial level)? What are these aspects of professional life that make certain people better than others, men better than women?

All I know is that we all need to feel needed and purposeful. On my side I would add that I need to feel independent and self sufficient. I want people to know that I have worked hard and the status of 'unemployed' does not seem to reflect me correctly. Something is skewed in this perspective, I know that much. There are so many areas of life at which to excel and make a difference. That older person you had a chat to while walking the dog, perhaps you made their day. The compliment you paid to a friend, perhaps you got them out of a really miserable mood. The lesson you taught your child, perhaps it will define something really huge in their lives one day. You just never know and one thing I do know, we all have our successes!

 Perhaps next time you are putting together your CV or writing a cover letter or talking yourself up in an interview, give yourself a pat on the back. You are more than job experience and fancy titles, you are a well rounded person with many complex aspects that make up who you are. You have been influential to many people, even some you don't know. You have more than your profession to offer and although we all need money to survive, it is important to make the most out of our unique gifts. Be pro-active and take the bull by the horns, your biggest advocate is you!

Best of luck

Paula XXXX

Why is 'change' just so damn hard?!

What is it about the word ‘change’ that seems to provoke anxiety in the very strongest of us humans? Good or bad, the very nature of change can create a whirlwind of experiencing in us, often in a very difficult way.

I use the word ‘change’ quite loosely of course, but truth be told, even the smallest elements of change can create huge and influential effects. Take growing older for instance. This is not some cataclysmic shock, it is not a devastation or natural disaster and it is not something anyone one of us can avoid. It is one of the few things society can label ‘normal’. We all age, every year, every day, every second. The process of aging differs in each of us on a micro level but on a macro level, we all run through the hands of time, maturing physically and biologically, developing, growing, wrinkling and evolving. But during the differing life stages, the change can feel enormous and there is a  certain amount of hardship as we say goodbye to each phase and hello to the new one.

This gets me thinking about something my supervisor on my counselling placement taught me in regards to decisions making. Many clients came to see me due to an inability to commit to a decision. I couldn’t quite grasp how living in this limbo was the chosen path, keeping a foot in both doors, keeping both options open but reaping the benefits of neither...we all do it, myself included, what is the gain? The words of wisdom: To make a decision means a severing of another. Powerful stuff, let me break it down further. When we make a decision, chose a meal, pick a partner, take a path, choose particular words, we are inherently shutting off various other options. It is this ‘severing’ of options which can leave us in doubt, fearing the wrong decisions, fearing regret, error, remorse etc. Decisions are an element of change, we commit to a choice at the sacrifice of other choices so to speak...not easy. Change is similar I believe. When we make changes, however small, we are severing a part of ourselves in a way, we are abandoning the familiar and heading into the unknown.

Sometimes change is thrust upon us in a way that is traumatic. Death is one of those things, either to others or our own mortality. The greater the personal the loss, the more resistant to change we seem to become. Looking at aging again as this ties in with the idea of our own mortality, how many of you have felt saddened at the loss of your childhood innocence? I often look back at the times of blissful ignorance and wonder if I was better off just not knowing the realities of the world. I think about how I used to play, how I used to get excited, how I used to dream and I feel a great deal of loss that this time in my life will never be repeated. Change is not just about external circumstances and occurrences’ that happen to you, the most difficult changes are often the ones that happen under the conscious, within us and on levels we can only muse about. Sometimes you can look back and realise your beliefs have evolved, your values have changed, your thoughts are different and your needs have varied. When we do not embrace our internal changes and most importantly our evolving needs, how are we supposed to adapt and get our needs met? If we continue to remain in our old habits and routines, asking for the same type of help, soothing ourselves in the same way, seeking people out that help us in the same ways, we are ignoring and resisting our own evolution and conflicts may start to arise within us.

Something many people may have heard is:

You cannot change the past but you CAN change your reactions and attitude towards it.

Change can be so traumatic and difficult that people can become ill, develop disorders such as adjustment disorder, depression, anxiety etc. People can miss opportunities, shut themselves off, have sleep disturbances, fail to progress towards their potential and a variety of other examples in this resistance to change. We all deal with change is our own ways but I think most people will agree that whatever the way, it is never easy. Something as natural and unavoidable as change is one of the most powerful elements of life in my opinion. It can have the power to make or break you and we have very little control over much of it (and it’s outcomes). The best we can do is become aware of ourselves. Learn to recognise how you handle change and how you have been changing over your life. Learn to find the inner strength to cope, creating ways to feel a sense of security and safety that is relevant to you. One thing I am trying to do for myself is to seek out the real me. The part of me that has been at the core throughout my life, my essence or character if you will. This, I believe is something that evolves and is influenced on one level but at the organic level it is me, my soul, my foundation, my epicentre so to speak. I am learning to ground myself in the present, to be with myself in the here and now and to separate all my over thinking from my actual experiencing. This is a work in progress but I like to believe that in this ever changing world, the essence of me will always be just that...ME J

ANZAC Day, lets think about PTSD and trauma

In Australia, we are celebrating all the people who have fought in wars, protected our borders and done service for the country. There is a big march in the city, they had a dawn service and veterans from far and wide take part in this coming together, this appreciation, the memories....

So as I reflect on the members of my own family who fought in the war (like my grandfather) or became a nurse in the war (like my grandmother), I often think about the mental scars these men and women are left to face in the aftermath. The nightmares they have seen, the lives they have taken, the friends and comrades they have lost, the casualties, the fear and the survival. No-one can ever truly imagine what these people have gone through, what people are continuing to go through in the likes of Afghanistan, South Korea, Iraq, Somalia, Syria etc.

It was also thanks to soldiers and military men passed that we are able to understand something called PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It was only after so many men were coming back from war and started to develop common symptoms, that the governments and the world of mental health started to accept that there are links between what had occurred at war and these symptoms. As you can imagine, this was no easy journey, to admit that PTSD was a real side effect of war would be for governments to accept liability, to be responsible for changes and treatment. We can also thank these soldiers and their trauma for the developments in psychotherapy and psychology that move beyond psycho-analysis and the days of Freud and his long - term therapy which had been the dominant means of treatment for mental health issues. When these soldiers started to return home after the likes of WWII and Vietnam, long - term psychoanalysis, which entails delving into childhood and working through deep set issues, was no longer viable. Something was needed to treat the mass of soldiers and military men for what was now emerging as PTSD, something which was now being acknowledged as a response to trauma (not embedded in childhood). As the likes of Carl Rogers and his Person Centred Therapy started to gain popularity, so too did our growing understanding of the human condition. Questions were being asked, theories were being challenged and when you look at all the different modalities and frameworks employed today, we have to give thanks to these men and women who suffered to make this possible for us all. I say us all because psychotherapy and psychological fields are now available to masses of people with a variety of presenting problems, it is good to acknowledge that it was not always this way.

PTSD can effect everybody, not just soldiers in the war. This disorder is due to the residual effects of a past trauma or trauma's. It is thanks to these soldiers that a very comprehensive list of symptoms has now been developed and associated with PTSD. Some of these symptoms include nightmares and sleep disturbances, hyper-vigilance (being extremely alert), racing heart, anxiety, depressive symptoms, inability to do certain activities that were otherwise easy for you, anger, confusion, panic attacks etc. There are many symptoms and changes that occur when people suffer PTSD and it is often overlooked or misdiagnosed through lack of awareness or due to a very late onset. It is not unusual for people to develop PTSD after a substantial period of time has lapsed since the trauma, sometimes even years. This makes it difficult for people and practitioners to often make the link between symptoms and PTSD.

Trauma does not always have to be about war, death, terrible accidents or personal injury. People can get traumatised by someone else's trauma or potential trauma. This is called 'vicarious trauma'. For instance witnessing an accident, almost being in an accident and wondering what could have been or having something happen to someone close to you. We are beautiful creatures, human beings, most of us equipped with a very special tool called empathy. Unfortunately by being able to empathise with others, imagine yourself in their shoes so to speak, we are also vulnerable to imagining people's pain, fear and panic. Thus it is important to be mindful of how you are being affected, to be kind to others and yourselves and to be aware of what PTSD is all about. It is also important to spare a thought for all those brave men and women who have had to live with trauma and put their lives on the line for the safety and protection of their country and it's people.

Thank you to all the ANZAC's!
Paula

Stress! How do you get a handle on it?

Stress is such a society friendly word isn't it? I mean, there is no shame in saying it, whatever age you are and whatever sex you are, we all seem to get 'stressed'. So why is it so very hard to just 'stress-less?'

Let me start by chatting a bit about stress a bit. We tend to use it when we are feeling things such as 'overwhelmed, frustrated, panicked, pressured, annoyed, and confused'. We may also start using it when we start getting illnesses or pain that cannot be explained away by tests and doctors, such as upset tummies, back ache, headaches, skin irritations and rashes, insomnia or sleep disturbances and changes in diet or appetite.

Stress is used to tell someone to calm down and don't worry "Don't stress, we can make another plan" or "No worries, thanks anyway". It is used to highlight a point "I would like to stress the importance of xyz". It is used in such a variety of ways and by such a wide amount of people that it is no wonder we often feel bogged down by stress and silently suffer symptoms that may be worse than the society friendly label suggests. So am I asking you to become stressed about your stress, absolutely not. I want to open the doors to a deeper understanding of how you cope with stress, how you experience it and I will offer a few of my own stress busting strategies at the end.

Lets take a closer look at you and your life.
How do you cope with the challenges life seems to throw your way?
How many of you have found that your stress comes and goes, some days you feel better equipped to deal with stress than others?
How many of you have started to feel stressed for 'no reason'?
How many of you tend to be alerted to your stress when you put your neck out or you start to get nausea and stomach troubles?
How many times do we start blaming things or people around us because we 'just don't need this right now!'?

We all experience our stress in different ways, unique to our own way of life and coping style. Stress can often be misleading and perhaps what you have been experiencing may very well be anxiety. But without throwing labels around and self diagnosing yourself (not a good idea), ask yourself what area's are the most challenging for you. Do you have trouble with thoughts that seem to endlessly go around and around in your head? Do you find you are always worrying about something? Have you been really hard on yourself lately? Check in with your body, does anything stand out, any pain, discomfort, tightness, etc? How have you been sleeping lately? When was the last time you did something enjoyable? How have you made it through when you have been struggling? If you are aware of your stress, lets break that down, what is it that makes you aware of your own stress? What was it that alerted you?
We tend to say that we are stressed without really thinking about it. Perhaps being overworked, lacking patience and having deadlines is simply a neon light of stress warnings for you, but it is more than that. Think about it.....
For me, I tend to have a very short fuse and get annoyed very easily. I seem to worry about so many things that are completely out of my control. I am often very emotional and can cry at the drop of a hat (sad adverts, a moving song, a TV show etc). I get horrible back pain and neck pain and my hands flair up with eczema. I can usually fall asleep but find I wake up a lot during the night and toss and turn in the early hours of the morning. I get really fatigued and run down and when it gets bad, I get stomach troubles. As life needs to go on, I often forget to notice all these symptoms until I feel completely overwhelmed by them and by this stage I feel quite helpless and get really annoyed and angry with the whole situation. Any of this sound familiar? I urge you to think about your own paragraph here :)

Once you start having more of a handle on your own symptoms of stress, of your problem areas and of your coping style (because yes, you have actually been coping, even if it doesn't feel like it), you are able to realise that you have a particular way of dealing with stress and it is up to you whether it is working for you or not, or if some of it is working but there are areas you would like to change or improve. The body is a very clever creation and believe it or not, is acting in a protective way towards you. When we do not listen to our own inner needs, when we don't slow down and take care of our selves, our bodies seem to start forcing us to do that. We get ill, feel pain, get fatigued, throw up etc, and the common element here is that with all these symptoms, you are forced to pay attention. In many cases you are forced to physically slow down and rest. How many of us, however, pop some pills and push on anyway (I myself am guilty of this)?

Lets get pro-active instead of becoming inactive!

Stress and anxiety is not unlike fear in many ways. Both fear and stress accelerate your heart rate in a response to adrenalin or the fight or flight response many of you will have heard of. As your heart rate increases, your body goes into survival mode and starts to react in ways that inherently are built to protect you. The big trick here sounds so very simplistic but it is to slow that heart rate right down and relax the nervous system.
HOW you may ask? When you are in the midst of your stress, at work, looking after the kids, running errands, cleaning the house, being a friend, cooking dinner, planning for the future, struggling financially, job hunting....you name it, we have a lot to be stressful about in this fast paced, rather difficult world we live in. It is not always realistic to go on a spa retreat, take a tropical holiday or get a full body massage!
My strategy is to work with your breath. When you hear the old tip of taking ten deep breathes, it is not all a bunch of rubbish. There is huge merit in this technique. There are many different ways to work with your breath and it is about finding the method that works for you. The basic principle is mindfulness. Getting your head out of your worrying, rumination of thoughts and fears and into the present. Finding that relationship with your body and taking steps to slow down that heart rate and calm that nervous system.

This can be as simple as doing a small meditation where you sit or lie comfortably, close your eyes if you want to and take some deep, long breathes where you imagine the air coming into your body and as you release your breath, you imagine a releasing of stress and emotion. I like to imagine sending breath to different areas of my body, such as my back or neck when it is sore, or my tummy when it is upset. Yoga is a great way of working with your breath as well as incorporating stretches that open up your chest, groin, back etc and strengthen your core.

Listen to Bob Marley! perhaps my favourite strategy to suggest because it is just so do-able! The beat of this reggae is similar to the beat of a slow, calm heart. Pop some Bob on in the car or on your phone to have easy access and focus on the music for a while. Let the music get that heart beat of yours to slow down :)

Exercise. This releases endorphins, gets you in the moment, works with your breath and gets that blood flowing. Hard to worry about things when you are playing sport, working up a sweat or trying to breathe! There is more and more research being done on the benefits of exercise, particularly with depression and anxiety! It's not all about looking good at the beach!

Do something that makes you happy, at the very least once a week!

Start a journal or start sketching/drawing/painting. Try this as free association, working with whatever comes to mind in the moment. You may surprise yourself with what crops up and it is a great way to learn about your inner self as well as to release some pent up stress! You don't need to be an artist or an author, this is just for you!

Talk about it! Lets support each other and ask for support ourselves. So many people battle with stress and anxiety, it is not something that needs to be kept in the dark. Lets share our methods, tools, experiences and help each other to feel less overwhelmed and more hopeful!

Eat for health! Give your body lots of fuel to cope with the day! Make super foods your friend and start getting creative with food! My favourite new additions at the moment are ginger and ground up linseed! Taking care of the basics, the physiological needs, is vital for good mental health!

And lastly, if you find you are not coping, nothing is working and you need some help, be proactive in this area too. There are many great therapies and treatments out there to help you. It is always helpful to ask yourself what type of help you are needing when choosing a form of therapy. I am happy to give some examples and options if anyone would like to send me a message or comment (here or on my Facebook page www.facebook.com/counsellingcounsel).

Hope this helps
Paula

Is my Grief 'Normal'?

YES!

There is NO strict set of rules, set time frame or particularly approved way of being when it comes to grief. In other words, there is no 'normal' way to grieve in my opinion. It is important to be mindful of your own process. If you have been battling to function for an extended period of time, it may be useful to see a counsellor or join a group to help you learn how to cope with your grief and regain some control over your functioning. I always recommend seeing your GP if you are not sure what to do or how to get some help.

Every person will deal with loss in their own unique way. The person, pet or even non-living thing or aspect of self that has been lost will be significant to the bereaved in different and personal ways. Our relationships are complex and cannot be given a formula or a one-size fits all mentality, so too is our grief. Think of the last movie you saw. Many other people will have seen the same movie too. Some people will enjoy it and others won't. Most people will have a view of the movie based on their unique outlook coupled with past experience, how they relate to characters, what effects moved them etc. You get my point. Grief is the same. There will always be commonalities between people who are grieving and theories are formulated based on these commonalities. We can establish that there are similarities in how people of different age groups grieve, of how men and women grieve and in how various cultures grieve. The circumstances of the loss will also affect the way people grieve. These similarities are important because they can make us feel less alone, less afraid and perhaps less judgemental of ourselves.

Comparing our grief to others can also be harmful. Many people have a stereotypical view of grief and loss. Some examples I have come across are that people are tearful and cry all the time; people are unable to enjoy themselves and mope around wearing black; that people do not want to talk about the deceased or that people are 'strong' because they are not crying. There are many more and I am sure each culture, family or social group will hold varying stereotypes. The reason I call this harmful is because people have very little control over how they react to loss. Literature shows that grief is all encompassing and can effect us on almost every level (physical, emotional, spiritual, social etc). Many people find they feel a lot of guilt and/or regret whilst grieving. By setting these stereotypes of grief, society has found a way to add to this guilt by creating judgement towards people who are not grieving in a way that is deemed 'appropriate'.

My message today is to attempt to move away from these stereotypes and to share what I feel is the most important lesson I have learn't in regards to grief: There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there is no clear definition of 'normal'. If you are unable to cry, that's alright. If you cry all the time, that's alright. If you need to be around things that remind you of your loved one, that's alright. If you need a complete change and to create distance from your memories, that's alright. If you want to talk, that's alright. If you can't talk, or don't want to, that's alright. If you feel angry, that's alright. If you feel happy despite your loss, that's alright. Whatever and however you are reacting is how you as an individual are coping. You are doing what you need to do to get through this loss.

As I said above, grief can effect us on all levels and some people will have more trouble than others in certain areas. Some common features of grief are loss of appetite and inability to sleep or stay asleep. Many people become very run down and pick up illnesses at this time due to a reduced immune system.There are biological reasons for this, I won't get into this here but I urge people to read further on this topic if there is an interest. Taking care of yourself may not seem important when you are bereaved but if these symptoms persist perhaps it would be helpful to see your GP and talk about options to help you, particularly with the physical symptoms. Lack of food and sleep can impair our reasoning and can make things feel a lot worse.

If you have any thoughts of suicide or self harm please know that there are people there to help and numbers you can call. Don't suffer in silence. Listen to your body and be kind to yourself. Things will never be the same but you CAN learn to find ways of living with your loss. Time will give you perspective and there is support out there. Try to find someone in your life who can listen to you and allow you to work through your pain in your own unique way. Remember too that some people in your life may not be able to help you and that does not mean that you are doing anything wrong or that you do not deserve help; it means that some people are unable to help you due to their own unique circumstances or abilities.

Hang in there!
Paula